Round 2, Let's get it.

It's been two years. Well, almost.




I am back at it. The past two years have been some great times. I have had some insanely low lows. But all of it has made me stronger. I have realized my weakness. It is not that it is hard, it is not that it is painful...it is my complacency. I get complacent.


With my last prep, I got to a point where I LOVED. I was fit, I was thin and I looked good. But then, I didn't want to keep it up anymore. I didn't want to eat like that or workout for 3 hours a day. So I tried to find shortcuts. Ways to make it happen. It didn't. The weight shuffled back and forth. I gained fat back; my body fat increased.

THERE IS NO EASY SOLUTION.

 There is no get-fit and stay-fit solution.  

So I continued my journey, doing whatever the fuck I wanted. And guess what? I gained it all back. My confidence slowly lessened, I wasn't as happy...and I was back to square one.

So here I am...ready to give it a go. I realize where I went wrong before. I got complacent. I got scared. I was OK with where I was at...so I just let go. Not this time. Robb and I are back at it once again. We are focusing on a 6 month, dual prep. We started Monday, September 21st and will work down through the end of the year. At that point, we will work back up and get dialed in for the Denver Open and Northern in March and April.

Can't wait to keep you guys posted!

Awareness in the fitness industry

So one of the biggest things that is never acknowledged, or even discussed in depth within the fitness and bodybuilding industry, is the truth about the "off season" and the process to realize your fitness goals. There are so many fitness models and IFBB pro's out there that are constantly maintaining and advertising how amazing their bodies are year-round. However, for most it is not realistic.

 Is this talked about?

 HELL NO. 

Many people get into fitness and focus on a certain goal that is can be difficult to maintain for an extended period of time. Whether it is to compete, focus on building a strong body, better physique or any other reason...the goals range across the scope. I have fallen victim to this. I had trained for so long, took sodium out of my diet, killed myself with cardio and isolated myself from my life and friends...for what? To gain back all the weight (and then some) once I resumed LIVING. Now this sounds harsh...and it is, to an extent. The bullshit the "fitfam" feed you about maintaining and staying fit and trim and six-pack blessed is not realistic; at least not for most. When this is your JOB, your source of income and your LIVELIHOOD, maybe. But for the rest of us, this conversation and topic is not spoken and discussed enough.

Often times, after competing or achieving your goal , you will have that uncontrollable, amazing "nothing tastes as good as fit feels" moment. However, if you're not perfect, it will all come crashing down. After you have gone through this dramatic change with your body, any change or gain that you do make is extremely challenging and you often times develop Dismorphia. For those of you who are unfamiliar, dismorphia is an unrealistic viewpoint on your body; basically you are so focused on your goal that when you start to change/gain/maintain, you are unsatisfied, depressed, etc. This can in turn spiral into serious conditions, even eating disorders. Even worse,  sometimes while on your way to your goal, you will start to see yourself in an unrealistic view and criticize the progress you have made. You think you aren't fit enough, lean enough, muscular enough and so on and so forth.

This happened to me, in both scenarios. I thought I was so fat and disgusting when I was going through my prep with Robb. Going through my posts the other day, I called myself a fat stripper. Ummmmm, I was 120 pounds and 18% BF. Wait, what?! I would constantly criticize my "fat" on my stomach...which again, was non-existent. I got burnt out, I couldn't handle it anymore...and then I started to fall off. I adopted a "different" way of eating. I embraced sodium and other foods back in my diet and started IIFYM. I put on a couple pounds...I freaked out. Started criticizing that I had lost my gains...after 2 pounds. I was SICK...and delusional over this stupid fitness crap. I let it beat me.

I started resuming life. I had a couple drinks, went out with friends and made memories with my life. I had balance. And consequently, I gained weight. While part of it was because of my goals to become better, which included eating more to build mass, that wasn't all.

I got lazy.

I got complacent.

I wasn't seeing gains. 

And it continues to beat me...but now I am fighting back. The fitness industry is often very one sided. The glamorous side where everyone is beautiful, and while "the struggle is real," we never know what the "real struggle" is that everyone is talking about. Is it that they are truly happy with their lives? Or that they are spending ungodly amount of time in the gym and away from "life"? Or that they are bound to 1400 calories a day?

In an effort to get stronger and build the physique I want, I know I will have to bulk and build muscle. That means eat in a caloric surplus. In the 15 pounds I have gained since my prep low, I have seen changes in my body and muscle structure. I have seen my arms grow. I have also seen my abs get fluffier and my clothes start to get tight. IT is hard. While I know I have full control to create the body that I want, it is challenging to defend your "fitness" when you're bigger. Most people not familiar with fitness, let alone bodybuilding, don't understand the off-season, working for gains or fuel for growth. So when I am putting on weight, and I am not the size 3 that I was before, I get self-conscious. I feel people judge me in the fact that I gained it all back. That I couldn't make it work. And while I know my goals, they don't seem to understand.

THAT SUCKS.

Currently I am really self-conscious with where I am at now. I know I need to build muscle. I know how it works. But when I want to get in a bikini in the middle of summer and am not rocking the six pack anymore...I feel like shit. This is NOT for the weak of heart. There are struggles I deal with daily. From pulling at my clothes to disgust in the mirror, THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. Sometimes I just want to eat everything in sight because, "Well, I am gaining anyway...why not eat what I want?" It takes time. I must be patient. There is unrealistic view on how long and hard it is to build a body overnight. If people grow overnight, people think it's steroids. If people don't grow overnight, you're not working hard enough. It is a catch 22. But in seeing the stories of all my idols: Michelle Davis Bishop, Ashley Horner Cline and Chady Dunmore...they didn't see it overnight. They had struggles, they were overweight, they struggled. And they built, and continue to build.

Please know that this is the most amazing thing that has happened to me. EVER. I have met so many amazing people (UH-MAY-ZING), gained confidence I would never have and become who I want to be. However, advice to others looking at stepping into this lifestyle-

BE CAREFUL.

Focus on YOU and who YOU want to be. 

Who YOU see in the mirror. 

What YOU think of yourself. 

This journey is yours. It may take minutes, it may take millenniums. Every person is different and the story is built uniquely for you. Don't let someone else dim your sparkle because YOU think they're quicker or smarter or more advanced. They're struggling too. You may just not know with what...

Again, the struggle is real...but what is the struggle?

Love you all.

Make your dreams your reality.

LD

Follow me and my journey on IG: ms.lauren.elise

New Epiphany this morning...

I have changed. 

A LOT.

I noticed this morning just how much I have changed as I stepped off the scale this morning. This morning I got on the scale and was 134.8 pounds. A far cry from my 120 at my prep low back in March. Holy SHIT, I gained 15 pounds. When I started training with Robb I was 129. I gained more back then when I started. I know that I have been gaining weight consistently since cutting for my bikini show and started training with Lucas. Most recently I have been more relaxed on my diet and living life (which, I understand, can also be done without gaining weight).

And when I say change, I mean in a good way. YES, I am not where I want to be. I know that these 15 pounds are bothering me. I can feel them in my clothes, confidence and everyday workouts. HOWEVER, the old me...before I started this journey...would have had a terrrrrrible day after getting off the scale. I would feel the extra weight in my clothes all day, and know that I was defined by how I looked and felt.

That isn't me anymore. 

I know that I can live this lifestyle and be fit. It has been my choice to become more relaxed in my fitness and diet...and there are consequences of that. Whereas before I would cry and punish myself for letting myself get this way, I know now I will be able to accomplish ANY fitness goal I put in front of me. 

Am I happy with where I am at with my weight? NO. Have I had a great couple of months? Absolutely. My life has been absolutely amazing since I made this decision to change. I have had the opportunity to find myself and make myself proud. I went from someone who had no confidence, to someone that knows she is worth it. I am more focused on seeing my value rather than finding my value in what others think of me. Do I still have struggles? Of course. I am not perfect. There are days I am sad, depressed, overwhelmed, and feel I am up against a wall. But the great thing is, those are only days. It isn't my life. I know I can do this. I just have to put my mind to it.

So...today marks day 1 (well day 3) of getting back to my goals. I have set my macros up and am ready to kill it and be the best version of me. Will it be hard?

FUCK YEAH. 

IT'LL BE REAL HARD.

But I have done it before and I can do it again. 

I'm out.

<drops the mic>

LD

How does anyone appreciate this bulking business...

This world of fitness and prep literally is a mind-fuck every. single. day.

Yesterday I woke up feeling pretty good, I knew I wasn't in lean prep mode...but I felt good. All day I felt good.

THEN I WENT BIKINI SHOPPING.

Why did I do that?! Seriously. To make matters worse...I have put pressure on myself to be in a bikini, on my birthday, next week...in front of some SEXY ASS DUDES...in the middle of a BULK. 

Needless to say, some days it is a struggle more than others. I remember when I was prepping for the show in April, I was so frustrated by the scale, but I was SOOOOO lean. I thought I was huge. Now, I wish I was there again. 

Why do we do that as women? 

We think we are so fat and then look back on our younger years, and wish we were back there.

Well, I am working on loving this whole process. It is hard. Often times I see my worth in my exterior and not actually who I am and what I have to offer.  Iam worried that an extra five pounds means so much more to someone that my faith, values, contributions and who I am. And maybe I am right, but at the same time...does that really matter?

I am working on me. I have realized I am the one putting pressure on myself to look a certain way. While it is something I think that plays tricks on my mind...I know that other people envy me and where I am at. I need to be focusing on myself. Finding my beauty...truly. 

I have fought half the battle. There are days I KNOW I am badass. That I am stronger, fitter, more focused and beautiful than ever. Other days, I still need to believe. I am a work in progress.

I got this.

LD

So I was thinking...

I have noticed lately that we are so quick to blame something for our stalls in weightloss or progress--instead of understanding that this is a process and it takes time. What I have learned is that the scale is an evil bitch, progress pictures are key and IT TAKES TIME. Yes, there are going to be days that you gain weight from water retention, heavy lifting the day before, the weather, sodium intake, traveling, refeeds...etc. But at the end of the day, it is a journey. There are going to be days you jack up your macros and eat more than you should...and gain 5 lbs on the scale the next day. YOU DID NOT EAT ENOUGH TO GAIN 5 LBS...trust me. That is 17,500 calories over your maintenance. I freak out too, but you have to have patience. It evens out, your body is just shocked. You are not going to lose your weight and become perfect overnight. There are so many so quick to judge and want to quit because not seeing amazing results like some have. Have patience ladies...it will come.

That being said, we also do have to realize that sometimes we aren't as honest with our eating habits as we should. Loose tracking yields loose results. Be the best you can be. Get there steadily and enjoy the journey. There is no use getting frustrated constantly...life is too short  You all are beautiful!

Today I think I needed a reminder, along with all my IIFYM girls and friends. This is the only life we live, why not enjoy it? You know you're working hard, important people take notice...it'll be okay if it takes you a little bit longer than others. Don't compare yourself to others. It'll break your heart sometimes. You are SO beautiful. Don't forget that. Don't let your size, scale, view of beauty and diet define your beauty. There are too many people that'll be tough on you and rude--you don't need to add to it. 

Well...

Well apparently I didn't post this. Imagine this was from 6/18...


I am stressed out. Plain and simple. Week after week on these new macros and I feel like I am not making progress. I keep sending my updates to my coach and cringe every time I press the send button. Last week I even went as far as to get my blood tested to see what was wrong with me...welllllll.....turns out...I am pregnant.

JUST KIDDING.

I am normal, nothing is wrong.

Wahhhhh Wahhhh...

So why is it so damn hard for me to lose weight and make progress?

After talking with my coach, he thinks that I have far less muscle than we thought and that is the reason for the slow progress. He explained that the way he had the workout and diet set up, it is based on greater muscle tone...so in turn, I am not burning enough based on my structure for the plan I am on. So, after that conversation, we decided it would be best to build my muscle up and push back my show until I was perfectly ready to step on stage. Couple things went through my mind:

1. This sucks. I have been trying so hard to get to this goal and I feel like I am back at square one. 
2. Phewwww.....I am tired of dieting and would like to just focus on making gains
3. Makes sense...I mean why the hell are my fitness idols eating like 5k calories and maintaining their physique. Ummmm because they're shredded! Duh. More muscle = More calories lost
4. Will I ever get there?!

Wow, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Over the last week I have been absolutely amazing at how amazing my life has become.

 Some people are lost in the fire. Some people are born from it. 

I. AM. ABSOLUTELY. IN. LOVE. WITH. MY. LIFE. 

Approaching a year since I started this journey, I look back on all the progress I have made. I have gone from a weak (figuratively and literally) young woman, to the most bad ass, confident and self-assured woman I know. I have realized that I am worth it and no one can define me or make me inferior without my own consent. I also know, I have a long way to go...but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I have made the most amazing friends and learned to love myself for who I am. WINNING. 

So here is to you, all my friends...and why you have helped me on this journey. THIS POST IS FOR YOU!

My Family and Chelsea-Your support is unwavering. Thank you. You accomodate my diet, understand my schedule and support my decision to do this. While you may not understand at times, or think it is stupid or unnecessary...you continue to uplift me and tell me I can do it. I love you guys so much. Chelsea, you get extra praise because you told me about Quest Bars! How can I ever repay you?! I am guessing the answer will be...with more quest bars! 

Kelli- You have stood by me EVER SINGLE STEP OF THE WAY. You were there when I felt like no one else was. You sat there and cried with me. Listened to me. Encouraged me. I can not thank you enough. You are such an amazing person and I am so blessed to have you as a best friend. I hope one day I can show you how much you have meant to me.

Robert- You are THE BEST. Thank you for setting the pace for this endeavor for me. You gave me the confidence and skill to make this happen. I am now having to get creative with how I do it due to unforseen circumstances...but I am forever in debt with you and can't wait to train again! 

Britney-Thank you for being such an amazing best friend. You are always interested in how things are going and understanding of my schedule and diet. I don't know what I would do without you in my life. You know me best...and are there to listen through all the struggles I have. 

Billy- Thank you for telling me I am sexy and good in the interim. Your support and passion for fitness pushes me to be better. Even if I am OK now :)

Kim- You are my swolemate. SERIOUSLY. We may be the same person in different bodies. Thank you for being such an awesome gym partner and even better friend. This is just the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I am so thankful! Can't wait for all our adventures, camping trips and cooking amazingness. And we willllllll get you to compete. One day. 

Gigi-My little swole sister. Oh my gosh, you are amazing. You push me. You make me want to be more fit. Thank you for the great friendship and strive to be more great. You are doing big things girl...and I thank you for letting me be a part of it.

Whit and Chris-Thank you for believing in me and being my biggest cheerleaders when I don't believe. Your faith in me and in God are so helpful. I love you both to pieces and am so thankful to have you both.

Whitney- We are in this together my little barbell babe! We are working on us FIRST...thank you for your support and encouragement...WE GOT THIS. 

Jess- You believe in me when I don't believe in myself. You remind me of how great I am. I love you so much and am so blessed to have you as a friend. We may be too busy working our hustle to see each other all the time...but I wouldn't trade you for any friend in the world! 

Timora and Angela- Thank you for the constant encouragement and help throughout this journey. Between the stories, inspiration from your progress and gossip...it was great to be among you during through my first prep. I admire you ladies and can't wait to be a part of the elite club of competitors like you!

Faruk- Hey Boo! Thank you so much for being a wonderful mentor and pushing me to be better. I remember when we started this fabulous little relationship...you kicked my ass. Damnnnn...I was sore. Then I remember the time you made me sprint on the treadmill while it was off...and as I write this, I am now pissed off at you again for that. Your desire to be the best inspires me. Your faith in me and all I CAN do is unparalleled and I am so blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for not giving up on me or believing in the limits I set for myself are all I can accomplish--thank you for pushing me to more. I may irritate you...and you may irritate me, but I couldn't be more happy to train with you and call you a friend (although the most immature friend I have!). Love you Pumpkin.  

Lucas- Our journey is just beginning! I am so thankful for all the effort and assistance you have given me going through this so far. Your attention to detail and focus on my individual needs is great! I am so excited to have you as a friend and coach. We are going to KILL IT...I can't wait! 

Allllll the haters- Thank you! Your hate and criticism has motivated me farther than anyone above-COMBINED. My goal is not only to prove to myself I am capable, but to prove to you also. Keep doing what you are doing, I am just getting started. Remember, I am becoming the fittest bitch you will EVER see.