I gave up today.

I gave up today. I used every reason in the book about why I couldn't do my workout today.

• I was exhausted
• I feel like I am not doing the exercises perfect
• The gym is too busy
• I worked 12 hours
• I was hungry
• I will never compare to the girls that are competing

I let these thoughts get the best of me today. I hate it. This morning I was so pumped about where I was at. I had lost another pound (after two weeks of not losing anything) and was at 122.4. Furthermore, I got to share my progress and story with the group of new hires starting. But then, out of nowhere, I started to doubt myself. I saw another trainer on Facebook talk about how his girls were ahead of schedule and looking amazing. I checked out their pictures. They did look amazing. These girls looked like they were ready to step on stage...and we are still 3 months out! I started to freak out. I am definitely not ready. I have love handles and thighs to lose. I need to have definition in my legs, arms and abs...how am I going to compete with these girls? Granted, they also have three months. Three months to fall off, weaken, worsen...and most likely get better. 

All of these things and probably more got to me at the gym today. Probably the most was the fact that I don't feel confident in my Monday routine. Not only am I tired, but I am doing high intensity training in areas I am not good in. My core still stinks...and honestly, I am afraid of looking stupid or doing something wrong. While yes, everyone one has to start somewhere- and those girls we talked about earlier started there once too- I psych myself out. 

I did a little bit of my circuit and quit. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me. I am nervous. I have never done this before. It is hard for me to think that I can get down and ready to where these girls are. But the biggest thing is...I don't want to lose. Everyone tells me it is about the journey and seeing what you have accomplished-and I get it- but I also want to win. I don't want to be just OK. This is not the time, effort and money I have allocated to be just "OK." So I am scared.

Now, am I going to give up. NO. I know I can do this. I have to do this. But today shook my confidence. I need to be comfortable in all my workouts. I need to handle my shit and make things happen. But it is not going to happen over night. At church this weekend there was a gentleman that spoke about his interest in going into the Navy Seals. He knew it would be a daunting, almost, if not completely impossible feat. But he said it was his calling-he felt it within him. So he said to God, he said, "If I do everything in my power that I can do, I am going to rely on You to take care of the parts that are impossible." That is where I need to be. I know this is really hard. Really, REALLY hard. But if I do everything I can, maybe God can help with the rest. I sure hope he does. I want this.

That is all for now. Goodnight and praying for a positive tomorrow.

LD