Another week, another couple of stories. This week was a great week for me. It was the first week of my new diet and new workouts. I will say, I was a little scared- for a couple reasons.
First, I knew that the workouts would become more substantial and intense. I tend to underestimate myself at the gym, so it can be a little intimidating at first doing things alone (not to mention, having someone watching me do it). It was like that when I first started doing deadlifts. I did amazing when I worked with Robb on them. I had excellent form, could lift the weight like a champ...I was awesome. But ever since I have done them on my own, I struggle. I can't seem to keep grip of the bar, I feel my form sucks...I don't know why I do that to myself! I had a couple of those moments this week. Burpies, Plyo Pushups and Rear Delt Cable Flys were all things I was scared about. I have never done any of them before, and even though I practiced with Robb, they still were daunting. I couldn't even do a Plyo Push-up.
Secondly, the diet changed. What I thought was rough before was even rougher now. There was no peanut butter, toast, turkey bacon...nothing. Which obviously, I knew would go away at some point. It's more chicken and...wah, wah...more eggs! This is what is killing me the most. I am eating 4 eggs whites three to four days a week with nothing to accompany them! I did have to start plugging my nose because I gagged several times while chewing. Additionally, I am eating about 20-30oz of protein in the form of meat. That is a HUGE change for me, not to mention my stomach. Ay Carumba, I look like I have gained weight with the food baby I have after meals!
I am starting to get nervous, I can feel it and hear the voices in my head about it all day long. I am nervous I won't make enough progress in time. I talk to Robb and he explained his experienced girls are starting to train next month for this show...and I am nowhere near where they are at! Let's hope and pray this month does a lot for me. On top of it, I got this text from Robb that just let the nerves settle in even more...
Competition Reminder:
The competition is 3.5 months away! Training for this shows is very difficult if you can see your trainer 2-3 times a week! So it is even harder for all of you! Make sure you know what you are doing when you run through your workouts and if you don't, call or text me! Also make sure you have downloaded the app from bodybuilding.com ; it's free and has an exercise library to help you. Every workout should feel like an ass kicking and your goal should be to get as close to getting your butt kicked by me as possible. Communication is vital since we don't see each other multiple times per week. When doing cardio you should be dripping when done and when lifting you should be struggling to get the set amount of reps. With that being said, be safe and listen to your body and it's limits- but remember we are here to push our limits as well! That's all I have for you, so get it going the next three months!!!!
(P.S. John has 3-5 girls that are doing the show as well and although we will all pose and be a team backstage, I do not want any of you losing to his girls! Plus I know you want to make your trainer look good :) Get to work! )Talk about freaking you out! Going back to my doubtfulness with my workouts, this text made me start doubting my ability to be ready in time. Am I training hard enough? Am I doing everything right? Will I lose enough and be fit enough? I start to psych myself out. I have to stop. I am seeing such great results and I just need to keep pushing. It is so hard because I want to be number one. I want to know exactly what it takes to place...but there isn't a perfect formula. And lastly, he is right, I want to make Robb proud. Yes, I am doing this for me, but I want to show him that I can do it too. That I can go from being a weight lifting novice to placing at a show!
I have been struggling a lot lately with frustration--and this has been the reason. What you may not know, is a lot of the reason I started this was to gain my confidence back. I lost myself when I lost my relationship over the summer. The actions taken, the things that were said, the lack of compassion...I was left wanting to give up. While there were equal problems by both parties (I was in the wrong too!), I ended up feeling like I was worthless. That there was something wrong with me. That all the good in me was missing- like a piece of gum with all the flavor gone. My world was turned upside-down. I have always had self esteem issues, body image issues and self worth issues. I have never felt pretty enough or always compared myself to others. I self deprecate. I doubt my value in almost every situation. This breakup brought me to rock bottom. I needed to re-establish who I was. I had been living for everyone else for so long, I was not worried about who I was and how to make me happy. I've started doing that. I've felt self conscious about my body all my life...so I am working to change that.
While I am still healing, I have learned a lot. I have learned a lot about me. I have learned a lot about others. I am gaining me back. My friend Tiffany the other day was describing me to her mother, and said, "She is the most self-assured (in a good way) lady I know." I was shocked. She was talking about me? The hurtful words and phrases that were thrown at me and permanently etched in my memory during this breakup are starting to lose their edge. I have found that I am worth it. Not only to myself, but to others. I am an amazing, giving, talented, beautiful woman. Yes, I have my moments. But to say that is wrong is completely ludicrous. Everyone has their moments; we are human.
However, it is not easy. While I am gaining back myself, I still lose it sometimes. I had a meltdown this week. I felt like God hates me...and purposely tries to hurt me rather than help me. Why does he give everything to some people who may not deserve it (yes, I know I don't make that call!), yet purposely put up endless hurdles in front of what I want? I have felt like this a lot going through this breakup. Let's be honest, I have felt that was throughout my twenties. Although I typically get these thoughts when things aren't going my way...and don't necessarily think about it when things are going well, it still is tough. I again am reminded of my patience. I need patience. Well, and God to hurry up and answer my prayers :)
Whew, long one today! But, here's to not giving up and giving it my all. Making the most of every workout and adding umph to get me to where I need to be!
It's getting good. Don't go anywhere.
LD
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