So it has been about two weeks since I wrote.
Seriously, nothing has changed. Nothing. I haven't lost a pound. I mean, really?
While I am still working my ass off everyday...it is frustrating. I should probably not be stressed out because of it, but I have never done this before. I have NO idea what to expect...
Speaking of which, I kinda went off on Robb about all of this...and he joked that all of his girls are so emotional. While he is probably absolutely correct, I did have to explain to him that I don't know what to expect. I am seeing the inches and body fat go down...but that is about it! Ugh, I wish I didn't care as much about the scale.
I trained with one of the girls I will be competing with last week. She is super sweet and has quite a bit of fight in her too. I was excited to see that I was quite a bit a head of her in my lifting ability and strength...but she is rocking it out!
On a more positive note, I have noticed a crazy increase in my confidence and self worth. I carry myself better, am more confident in my clothes...and I am wearing leggings! HOLY SHIT. I never thought I would wear leggings without a dress over them. CRAZY.
To date, I have lost 7lbs, 15 inches and 6% body fat...
I have two days of rest this week and meet with Robb on Thursday. I got my new diet I start on Thursday- and I am so excited (in hopes of it actually working and I lose weight!). Also I got my new workouts. INTENSE. I am now doing morning cardio and evening cardio and weights. It is intense. Most of my workouts are 5 sets of 40 reps...whew...I am in for a treat.
Here is to my NPC bikini body! Pray for me!
LD
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
I gave up today.
I gave up today. I used every reason in the book about why I couldn't do my workout today.
- I was exhausted
- I feel like I am not doing the exercises perfect
- The gym is too busy
- I worked 12 hours
- I was hungry
- I will never compare to the girls that are competing
I let these thoughts get the best of me today. I hate it. This morning I was so pumped about where I was at. I had lost another pound (after two weeks of not losing anything) and was at 122.4. Furthermore, I got to share my progress and story with the group of new hires starting. But then, out of nowhere, I started to doubt myself. I saw another trainer on Facebook talk about how his girls were ahead of schedule and looking amazing. I checked out their pictures. They did look amazing. These girls looked like they were ready to step on stage...and we are still 3 months out! I started to freak out. I am definitely not ready. I have love handles and thighs to lose. I need to have definition in my legs, arms and abs...how am I going to compete with these girls? Granted, they also have three months. Three months to fall off, weaken, worsen...and most likely get better.
All of these things and probably more got to me at the gym today. Probably the most was the fact that I don't feel confident in my Monday routine. Not only am I tired, but I am doing high intensity training in areas I am not good in. My core still stinks...and honestly, I am afraid of looking stupid or doing something wrong. While yes, everyone one has to start somewhere- and those girls we talked about earlier started there once too- I psych myself out.
I did a little bit of my circuit and quit. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me. I am nervous. I have never done this before. It is hard for me to think that I can get down and ready to where these girls are. But the biggest thing is...I don't want to lose. Everyone tells me it is about the journey and seeing what you have accomplished-and I get it- but I also want to win. I don't want to be just OK. This is not the time, effort and money I have allocated to be just "OK." So I am scared.
Now, am I going to give up. NO. I know I can do this. I have to do this. But today shook my confidence. I need to be comfortable in all my workouts. I need to handle my shit and make things happen. But it is not going to happen over night. At church this weekend there was a gentleman that spoke about his interest in going into the Navy Seals. He knew it would be a daunting, almost, if not completely impossible feat. But he said it was his calling-he felt it within him. So he said to God, he said, "If I do everything in my power that I can do, I am going to rely on You to take care of the parts that are impossible." That is where I need to be. I know this is really hard. Really, REALLY hard. But if I do everything I can, maybe God can help with the rest. I sure hope he does. I want this.
That is all for now. Goodnight and praying for a positive tomorrow.
LD
Sunday, January 5, 2014
It's amazing what others think...
Hey Y'all! Again, I say that like I am from Texas...a little in-authentic, I guess :)
Another week, another couple of stories. This week was a great week for me. It was the first week of my new diet and new workouts. I will say, I was a little scared- for a couple reasons.
First, I knew that the workouts would become more substantial and intense. I tend to underestimate myself at the gym, so it can be a little intimidating at first doing things alone (not to mention, having someone watching me do it). It was like that when I first started doing deadlifts. I did amazing when I worked with Robb on them. I had excellent form, could lift the weight like a champ...I was awesome. But ever since I have done them on my own, I struggle. I can't seem to keep grip of the bar, I feel my form sucks...I don't know why I do that to myself! I had a couple of those moments this week. Burpies, Plyo Pushups and Rear Delt Cable Flys were all things I was scared about. I have never done any of them before, and even though I practiced with Robb, they still were daunting. I couldn't even do a Plyo Push-up.
Secondly, the diet changed. What I thought was rough before was even rougher now. There was no peanut butter, toast, turkey bacon...nothing. Which obviously, I knew would go away at some point. It's more chicken and...wah, wah...more eggs! This is what is killing me the most. I am eating 4 eggs whites three to four days a week with nothing to accompany them! I did have to start plugging my nose because I gagged several times while chewing. Additionally, I am eating about 20-30oz of protein in the form of meat. That is a HUGE change for me, not to mention my stomach. Ay Carumba, I look like I have gained weight with the food baby I have after meals!
I am starting to get nervous, I can feel it and hear the voices in my head about it all day long. I am nervous I won't make enough progress in time. I talk to Robb and he explained his experienced girls are starting to train next month for this show...and I am nowhere near where they are at! Let's hope and pray this month does a lot for me. On top of it, I got this text from Robb that just let the nerves settle in even more...
I have been struggling a lot lately with frustration--and this has been the reason. What you may not know, is a lot of the reason I started this was to gain my confidence back. I lost myself when I lost my relationship over the summer. The actions taken, the things that were said, the lack of compassion...I was left wanting to give up. While there were equal problems by both parties (I was in the wrong too!), I ended up feeling like I was worthless. That there was something wrong with me. That all the good in me was missing- like a piece of gum with all the flavor gone. My world was turned upside-down. I have always had self esteem issues, body image issues and self worth issues. I have never felt pretty enough or always compared myself to others. I self deprecate. I doubt my value in almost every situation. This breakup brought me to rock bottom. I needed to re-establish who I was. I had been living for everyone else for so long, I was not worried about who I was and how to make me happy. I've started doing that. I've felt self conscious about my body all my life...so I am working to change that.
While I am still healing, I have learned a lot. I have learned a lot about me. I have learned a lot about others. I am gaining me back. My friend Tiffany the other day was describing me to her mother, and said, "She is the most self-assured (in a good way) lady I know." I was shocked. She was talking about me? The hurtful words and phrases that were thrown at me and permanently etched in my memory during this breakup are starting to lose their edge. I have found that I am worth it. Not only to myself, but to others. I am an amazing, giving, talented, beautiful woman. Yes, I have my moments. But to say that is wrong is completely ludicrous. Everyone has their moments; we are human.
However, it is not easy. While I am gaining back myself, I still lose it sometimes. I had a meltdown this week. I felt like God hates me...and purposely tries to hurt me rather than help me. Why does he give everything to some people who may not deserve it (yes, I know I don't make that call!), yet purposely put up endless hurdles in front of what I want? I have felt like this a lot going through this breakup. Let's be honest, I have felt that was throughout my twenties. Although I typically get these thoughts when things aren't going my way...and don't necessarily think about it when things are going well, it still is tough. I again am reminded of my patience. I need patience. Well, and God to hurry up and answer my prayers :)
Whew, long one today! But, here's to not giving up and giving it my all. Making the most of every workout and adding umph to get me to where I need to be!
It's getting good. Don't go anywhere.
LD
Another week, another couple of stories. This week was a great week for me. It was the first week of my new diet and new workouts. I will say, I was a little scared- for a couple reasons.
First, I knew that the workouts would become more substantial and intense. I tend to underestimate myself at the gym, so it can be a little intimidating at first doing things alone (not to mention, having someone watching me do it). It was like that when I first started doing deadlifts. I did amazing when I worked with Robb on them. I had excellent form, could lift the weight like a champ...I was awesome. But ever since I have done them on my own, I struggle. I can't seem to keep grip of the bar, I feel my form sucks...I don't know why I do that to myself! I had a couple of those moments this week. Burpies, Plyo Pushups and Rear Delt Cable Flys were all things I was scared about. I have never done any of them before, and even though I practiced with Robb, they still were daunting. I couldn't even do a Plyo Push-up.
Secondly, the diet changed. What I thought was rough before was even rougher now. There was no peanut butter, toast, turkey bacon...nothing. Which obviously, I knew would go away at some point. It's more chicken and...wah, wah...more eggs! This is what is killing me the most. I am eating 4 eggs whites three to four days a week with nothing to accompany them! I did have to start plugging my nose because I gagged several times while chewing. Additionally, I am eating about 20-30oz of protein in the form of meat. That is a HUGE change for me, not to mention my stomach. Ay Carumba, I look like I have gained weight with the food baby I have after meals!
I am starting to get nervous, I can feel it and hear the voices in my head about it all day long. I am nervous I won't make enough progress in time. I talk to Robb and he explained his experienced girls are starting to train next month for this show...and I am nowhere near where they are at! Let's hope and pray this month does a lot for me. On top of it, I got this text from Robb that just let the nerves settle in even more...
Competition Reminder:
The competition is 3.5 months away! Training for this shows is very difficult if you can see your trainer 2-3 times a week! So it is even harder for all of you! Make sure you know what you are doing when you run through your workouts and if you don't, call or text me! Also make sure you have downloaded the app from bodybuilding.com ; it's free and has an exercise library to help you. Every workout should feel like an ass kicking and your goal should be to get as close to getting your butt kicked by me as possible. Communication is vital since we don't see each other multiple times per week. When doing cardio you should be dripping when done and when lifting you should be struggling to get the set amount of reps. With that being said, be safe and listen to your body and it's limits- but remember we are here to push our limits as well! That's all I have for you, so get it going the next three months!!!!
(P.S. John has 3-5 girls that are doing the show as well and although we will all pose and be a team backstage, I do not want any of you losing to his girls! Plus I know you want to make your trainer look good :) Get to work! )Talk about freaking you out! Going back to my doubtfulness with my workouts, this text made me start doubting my ability to be ready in time. Am I training hard enough? Am I doing everything right? Will I lose enough and be fit enough? I start to psych myself out. I have to stop. I am seeing such great results and I just need to keep pushing. It is so hard because I want to be number one. I want to know exactly what it takes to place...but there isn't a perfect formula. And lastly, he is right, I want to make Robb proud. Yes, I am doing this for me, but I want to show him that I can do it too. That I can go from being a weight lifting novice to placing at a show!
I have been struggling a lot lately with frustration--and this has been the reason. What you may not know, is a lot of the reason I started this was to gain my confidence back. I lost myself when I lost my relationship over the summer. The actions taken, the things that were said, the lack of compassion...I was left wanting to give up. While there were equal problems by both parties (I was in the wrong too!), I ended up feeling like I was worthless. That there was something wrong with me. That all the good in me was missing- like a piece of gum with all the flavor gone. My world was turned upside-down. I have always had self esteem issues, body image issues and self worth issues. I have never felt pretty enough or always compared myself to others. I self deprecate. I doubt my value in almost every situation. This breakup brought me to rock bottom. I needed to re-establish who I was. I had been living for everyone else for so long, I was not worried about who I was and how to make me happy. I've started doing that. I've felt self conscious about my body all my life...so I am working to change that.
While I am still healing, I have learned a lot. I have learned a lot about me. I have learned a lot about others. I am gaining me back. My friend Tiffany the other day was describing me to her mother, and said, "She is the most self-assured (in a good way) lady I know." I was shocked. She was talking about me? The hurtful words and phrases that were thrown at me and permanently etched in my memory during this breakup are starting to lose their edge. I have found that I am worth it. Not only to myself, but to others. I am an amazing, giving, talented, beautiful woman. Yes, I have my moments. But to say that is wrong is completely ludicrous. Everyone has their moments; we are human.
However, it is not easy. While I am gaining back myself, I still lose it sometimes. I had a meltdown this week. I felt like God hates me...and purposely tries to hurt me rather than help me. Why does he give everything to some people who may not deserve it (yes, I know I don't make that call!), yet purposely put up endless hurdles in front of what I want? I have felt like this a lot going through this breakup. Let's be honest, I have felt that was throughout my twenties. Although I typically get these thoughts when things aren't going my way...and don't necessarily think about it when things are going well, it still is tough. I again am reminded of my patience. I need patience. Well, and God to hurry up and answer my prayers :)
Whew, long one today! But, here's to not giving up and giving it my all. Making the most of every workout and adding umph to get me to where I need to be!
It's getting good. Don't go anywhere.
LD
Monday, December 30, 2013
I am making progress...but I am still impatient.
Hey y'all!
Well, today marks the first day of my more intense diet and workout regimen. I made it though. But before we get too much into that, let's talk about the last week. Last week was Christmas. Traditionally it is all about parties, family gatherings and amazing food and drinks, right? Well this year was no different. While everyone was enjoying their Honeybaked Ham, Cinnamon Apples, Creamed Spinach and Turkey...I sat there and there and stuck to my diet. That's right folks, I prepped every single one of my meals for every single one of our outings. Christmas Eve Dinner at my parents I ate my salmon and broccoli. Christmas Dinner I ate my filet, green beans and red potato. I didn't have one sweet, side dish or salt-laden item. I felt like I was being punished. Although it was kind of amazing the restraint I had, I missed it. I marvel at how I never thought about what I ate before. And if I did, typically it was an afterthought. I think the hardest part of it all was Bagels on Christmas morning with Lox and Capers. That is our family tradition...and bagels are my most favorite thing ever! But I withheld...and ate eggs nonetheless! All I could hear was Rob in my head, "it is not on your diet, you should not eat it!" Man, I listen to him more than my parents.
I met with Robb the next day to go over my progress and review my new workout. I forgot to tell you guys that for the past two weeks I had been struggling because I gained 3 pounds. I finally had gotten down to 123.4 and I ruined it by having one of my Salted Caramel Pretzel Bars. The next morning, literally, I gained three pounds. While I realize that is unrealistic...and it was mostly water weight, I was devastated. On top of it, that's where I heard the, "Well it wasn't on your diet, you shouldn't have eaten it." FUCK. Seriously, everyday I jumped on the scale hoping it would disappear, along with a couple other pounds that I wanted gone. But nope, still there. So, back to my meeting with Robb. I weighed in with him and was back down to 123.4. While I did not lose anymore in those two weeks, I was glad to be back! I was right where I needed to be. We also did measurements.
Well, today marks the first day of my more intense diet and workout regimen. I made it though. But before we get too much into that, let's talk about the last week. Last week was Christmas. Traditionally it is all about parties, family gatherings and amazing food and drinks, right? Well this year was no different. While everyone was enjoying their Honeybaked Ham, Cinnamon Apples, Creamed Spinach and Turkey...I sat there and there and stuck to my diet. That's right folks, I prepped every single one of my meals for every single one of our outings. Christmas Eve Dinner at my parents I ate my salmon and broccoli. Christmas Dinner I ate my filet, green beans and red potato. I didn't have one sweet, side dish or salt-laden item. I felt like I was being punished. Although it was kind of amazing the restraint I had, I missed it. I marvel at how I never thought about what I ate before. And if I did, typically it was an afterthought. I think the hardest part of it all was Bagels on Christmas morning with Lox and Capers. That is our family tradition...and bagels are my most favorite thing ever! But I withheld...and ate eggs nonetheless! All I could hear was Rob in my head, "it is not on your diet, you should not eat it!" Man, I listen to him more than my parents.
I met with Robb the next day to go over my progress and review my new workout. I forgot to tell you guys that for the past two weeks I had been struggling because I gained 3 pounds. I finally had gotten down to 123.4 and I ruined it by having one of my Salted Caramel Pretzel Bars. The next morning, literally, I gained three pounds. While I realize that is unrealistic...and it was mostly water weight, I was devastated. On top of it, that's where I heard the, "Well it wasn't on your diet, you shouldn't have eaten it." FUCK. Seriously, everyday I jumped on the scale hoping it would disappear, along with a couple other pounds that I wanted gone. But nope, still there. So, back to my meeting with Robb. I weighed in with him and was back down to 123.4. While I did not lose anymore in those two weeks, I was glad to be back! I was right where I needed to be. We also did measurements.
I have lost a cumulative 6.75 inches, 4% body fat, and 6 pounds. HELL YEAH!
Robb said this was by far the best progress I had made (looking from the last time we measured last month to now). But now we have some work to do. From the sounds of it, he wants me to come on stage at about 115 and 10% body fat. Right now I am in a situation where I am 123 and 23% body fat. We have a long way to go! He has changed my workouts and my diet to reflect a heightened amount of protein and slightly less calories. Robb said I should be about 5 more pounds down by the end of January. It was interesting to me...because I know that I have been successful so far, but I hadn't been noticing a ton of difference. Within the last week I did notice that my jeans were too loose, however I didn't really see anything in the mirror. I took the picture I took originally and took another of what I look like today. OH MMMM GEE!!! I was shocked. Putting them next to each other, I saw the world of difference. That is insane. It is keeping me motivated, to say the least.
I am a little nervous going into this next phase. The diet is not fun at all. While I am absolutely not complaining...it is intense. Today was day one, which was not too bad. I made the mistake of blending my oatmeal and protein powder...never again. DISGUSTING! However, tomorrow will be a doozy. I have 4 eggs and spinach for breakfast. Um, I was choking down the eggs with toast...barely...and now I have to eat them alone. Pray for me! On top of that, I have 20oz of Chicken between two snacks and lunch! WHAT?! Oh man, I am in for a treat.
Just like the title said, I am still impatient though. I am learning that maybe this process was a lesson in patience God is putting me through. Both throughout this and my personal life, I have wanted to work on making everything perfect right now. And I clearly can't. I need to slow down; enjoy the moment now. I am learning, but it is really hard for me. I am still trying to shove square pegs in round holes sometimes...and we all know what happens there.
A couple accomplishments since we last conversed:
1. I am at the lowest weight I have ever been in my adult years
2. I have calves...HOLY SHIT! I always was in love with calves on women, and now I have some!
3. I jogged (at 5.0/12 minute mile) two miles without stopping on 12/29
4. From there, I walked a quarter-mile then ran the remaining 0.75 of the third mile!
Well, that is all for now. I should be getting my consistent 8 hours of sleep...to build muscle of course!
Talk to you soon. I got this.
LD
Friday, December 20, 2013
Apparently, my life is perfect...or so I hear.
Wow. I just got off the phone with a student who told me everything fell into place for me with college and worked out because my life was perfect. I was shocked. Yes, I hold myself together, but my life is far from perfect. I responded with a very simple thought. There are two ways you can look at things; you can continue to find and believe every excuse or negative thought about why you can't...or you can think harder about why it will and be worth it to achieve. I continued to tell him about how much I understood exactly the situation he is in. I understand that in every example he can see...school seems impossible. However, it is like that with anything. Easily, I can list ten reasons why I may not be successful at this fitness competition:
1. I love to eat food- good food at that.
2. And wine. LOVE WINE.
3. I never have lifted extensively in my life
4. I am short and have a big booty and thighs (Thanks Mom! )
5. I don't think I can run more than a mile (I also didn't think I could run more than two minutes without stopping).
6. I have friends that are not supportive or try and pressure me to derail
7. I compare myself to such great aspirations and freak myself out thinking how to achieve their level
8. It's going to get too hard
9. It takes too much of my time
10. It's not always fun
Oh...and the best one...
11. I have seen other people fail before (including me!)
But you know what, OH FUCKING WELL. I can do this shit. I can. I know I can. At times it is going to suck. Yeah, I really want to eat those damn Salted Caramel Pretzel Bars I made yesterday. And yes, I miss my Starbucks and wine...but I am stronger than that. I can come up with more reasons than not about why I can't do it, but I am going to make them reasons why I can.
1. The food isn't that bad, you get immune. But yeah, still sucks, but then again "normal life" isn't always perfect either. There are still going to be things that suck, so why not get stronger and sexier and just deal with it!
2. I still miss wine, not going to lie. April 12th baby!
3. I have learned how to lift and my trainer is motivating and a great teacher (and he says with most things I have perfect form!). I also have some great friends that teach me more and more everyday. Take that shit!
4. I am still short, but hey...I have to wear heels anyway! Plus, there are typically less girls in that class anyway! Better odds! And I will just work my booty and thighs that much harder!
5. I haven't tried to run more than a mile...but we all know what happened when I tried to run more than two minutes :)
6. Those friends suck. Yes, you know who you are. You SUCK. I got this...
7. I will be on their level. Jessica Wood, I am coming for you!
8. If it wasn't hard, it wouldn't be worth it...and everybody would do it. It is hard but I am stronger!
9. Time is going to pass anyway, why not use it to make a difference. I'm almost half way done!
10. Yep, there are much funner things to do with my time, but again end result is the most rewarding
and
11. I control my ability to follow through...no one else's story dictates or compares to my outcome.
People only get a little glimpse of my life. It is far from perfect. There are things I would desperately want to change...or get very discouraged about because I am unhappy with at times. My close friends know I cry and am sad far more than I should be. But you know what, it makes me stronger. I overcome it. I put on a brave face and keep on, keeping on! FUCK YEAH.
LD
1. I love to eat food- good food at that.
2. And wine. LOVE WINE.
3. I never have lifted extensively in my life
4. I am short and have a big booty and thighs (Thanks Mom! )
5. I don't think I can run more than a mile (I also didn't think I could run more than two minutes without stopping).
6. I have friends that are not supportive or try and pressure me to derail
7. I compare myself to such great aspirations and freak myself out thinking how to achieve their level
8. It's going to get too hard
9. It takes too much of my time
10. It's not always fun
Oh...and the best one...
11. I have seen other people fail before (including me!)
But you know what, OH FUCKING WELL. I can do this shit. I can. I know I can. At times it is going to suck. Yeah, I really want to eat those damn Salted Caramel Pretzel Bars I made yesterday. And yes, I miss my Starbucks and wine...but I am stronger than that. I can come up with more reasons than not about why I can't do it, but I am going to make them reasons why I can.
1. The food isn't that bad, you get immune. But yeah, still sucks, but then again "normal life" isn't always perfect either. There are still going to be things that suck, so why not get stronger and sexier and just deal with it!
2. I still miss wine, not going to lie. April 12th baby!
3. I have learned how to lift and my trainer is motivating and a great teacher (and he says with most things I have perfect form!). I also have some great friends that teach me more and more everyday. Take that shit!
4. I am still short, but hey...I have to wear heels anyway! Plus, there are typically less girls in that class anyway! Better odds! And I will just work my booty and thighs that much harder!
5. I haven't tried to run more than a mile...but we all know what happened when I tried to run more than two minutes :)
6. Those friends suck. Yes, you know who you are. You SUCK. I got this...
7. I will be on their level. Jessica Wood, I am coming for you!
8. If it wasn't hard, it wouldn't be worth it...and everybody would do it. It is hard but I am stronger!
9. Time is going to pass anyway, why not use it to make a difference. I'm almost half way done!
10. Yep, there are much funner things to do with my time, but again end result is the most rewarding
and
11. I control my ability to follow through...no one else's story dictates or compares to my outcome.
People only get a little glimpse of my life. It is far from perfect. There are things I would desperately want to change...or get very discouraged about because I am unhappy with at times. My close friends know I cry and am sad far more than I should be. But you know what, it makes me stronger. I overcome it. I put on a brave face and keep on, keeping on! FUCK YEAH.
I got this.
LD
Monday, December 16, 2013
Sometimes you just have to let it go...
Sometimes you just have to let it go. No matter what it is, let it go. This is a lesson I have learned over and over this week. I can't let things get the best of me. Both in my personal, professional and fitness life, I have had some challenging situations present themselves this week.
First off, I was frustrated about not losing weight. I have been kicking my tail. Yes, there may be times that I am not pushing my hardest, or not fulling realizing my potential...but I am working hard. I can take all the steps I need to take, and that is it. So, that is what I did. I talked with Rob and asked for a new diet. While it wasn't what I wanted to do, it is what I needed to do. Stop stressing and just move forward. Of course, the next day I dropped again to 123.8 from 125. I guess I lose all my weight on Fridays. Happens every time...another way God likes to show me who is boss. On the plus side, I do not have to start that diet. Rob didn't really want me to change it, because it would only make cutting weight harder towards the end.
I have also learned that sometimes you just can't have what you want. There are two things that I really want in my life right now. Really bad. While both will remain nameless, one could come to be (although I would have to go out of my comfort zone for it)...and the other is pretty far out of sight, never to be realized. Being in sales, I feel I can change anything. I can fix anything...I can make it go my way. But apparently, life isn't like sales. You can't just always work things out to make it right. But I try and I try hard. I look into things that maybe I shouldn't...and I over-think and persuade myself into thinking it will work out. I need to stop. I need to focus on understanding reality.
While these things would be amazing (and my weight loss too)-and a blessing to every party involved...I need to have them fall into my life willingly. Have it be ready to happen. How do I do that? Seriously, it is something that I challenge myself to understand everyday. I need to worry less and trust more. Worrying is like praying for the wrong thing to happen. It is showing no belief of who and what you are; what you are capable of. I have felt for so long that God has hated me and purposely tries to prevent good things from my life. Seriously. You have probably heard me say that-several times. There are times that I seriously still think that. While I still have faith, I continuously struggle with that. I am afraid. I panic. I don't want to miss out.
Ok, enough about that...just a little personal thought from my mind today.
That is all. But I am at 123.8 bitches!
LD
First off, I was frustrated about not losing weight. I have been kicking my tail. Yes, there may be times that I am not pushing my hardest, or not fulling realizing my potential...but I am working hard. I can take all the steps I need to take, and that is it. So, that is what I did. I talked with Rob and asked for a new diet. While it wasn't what I wanted to do, it is what I needed to do. Stop stressing and just move forward. Of course, the next day I dropped again to 123.8 from 125. I guess I lose all my weight on Fridays. Happens every time...another way God likes to show me who is boss. On the plus side, I do not have to start that diet. Rob didn't really want me to change it, because it would only make cutting weight harder towards the end.
I have also learned that sometimes you just can't have what you want. There are two things that I really want in my life right now. Really bad. While both will remain nameless, one could come to be (although I would have to go out of my comfort zone for it)...and the other is pretty far out of sight, never to be realized. Being in sales, I feel I can change anything. I can fix anything...I can make it go my way. But apparently, life isn't like sales. You can't just always work things out to make it right. But I try and I try hard. I look into things that maybe I shouldn't...and I over-think and persuade myself into thinking it will work out. I need to stop. I need to focus on understanding reality.
While these things would be amazing (and my weight loss too)-and a blessing to every party involved...I need to have them fall into my life willingly. Have it be ready to happen. How do I do that? Seriously, it is something that I challenge myself to understand everyday. I need to worry less and trust more. Worrying is like praying for the wrong thing to happen. It is showing no belief of who and what you are; what you are capable of. I have felt for so long that God has hated me and purposely tries to prevent good things from my life. Seriously. You have probably heard me say that-several times. There are times that I seriously still think that. While I still have faith, I continuously struggle with that. I am afraid. I panic. I don't want to miss out.
Ok, enough about that...just a little personal thought from my mind today.
That is all. But I am at 123.8 bitches!
LD
Thursday, December 12, 2013
I feel a meltdown coming on...
A lot of has happened since we last talked...let's review it now:
The week of Thanksgiving...
This week was my first week of high intensity training (HIT) with Robb. I didn't know what that meant exactly, but I knew I was going to hate my life. I was correct. I have never worked out that hard in my life. Not only did I start with cardio, but I continued on a circuit that would kill even Ironman. I did jump squats, mountain climbers, jump lunges, and I would tell you the rest...but I burned it out of my memory! It was horrible! I mean it was great...and Robb is great...but it was not fun! On top of it, Rob said if I didn't start losing weight...I would have to do two of these trainings a week. Talk about stress on losing weight! Plus, an additional $75 a week wasn't really in my budget.
I had the opportunity to have a cheat day for Thanksgiving...and I didn't really do it! I for sure thought that I would want all that amazing food, but after a while I just decided to me it wasn't worth it. It is so weird how that happens. Every time I think about cheating or eating something that is not on my diet, I think about how hard I will have to work to get myself back on track. That being said, I did have some of my mom's UH-MAY-ZING cranberry pie. It is something I look forward to every year! So much so, I bought two bags of cranberries at the grocery store this week so I can have her make it in April! Yep, that is going to happen! Another thing that contributed to my focused Thanksgiving day meal plan was my crazy Black Thursday/Friday shopping habits! I didn't have time to eat! I had to prep and stand in line! The rest of the weekend also stayed strict to the diet and continued my workouts.
On to the next week...
Last week was a hard week for me. I continue to stay strict on my diet and workouts and have not been seeing the scale go down. AT ALL. I seriously am frustrated. I also was scared I would have to do MORE of that damn high intensity training...and spend more money! I met with Rob on Thursday and he basically said I wasn't working hard enough. I felt like crap. I want to be awesome, and not let him down! Apparently I was supposed to have been running a mile instead of doing sprint intervals on my workouts. Oops. I could have sworn I was doing everything perfect. Ugh. I will let you in on a little secret, however. I hate to run. This was like a death sentence when he told me the plan to run. I have NEVER run a mile in my life. NEVER. So guess what, he made me run a mile...in front of him...and I paid him for it! Then sprints. Then dead lifts. That was my training session. Magically, I was at 125 the next morning from 126.6. Damn it...I knew as soon as I told Robb, he would be like "see, you worked harder, you lost weight!" And I was right! I texted Robb first thing and he said, "See! Keep that running up! Sprints!" I hate it when things fall into place like that! I secretly didn't want him to be right!
Rounding out the week, I had a my mom's best friends annual Christmas party. This was a HUGE test for me. The most amazing food of the year was there. Wine flows like water. Not only did I show up two hours late ( Because I did go to the gym before AND because I didn't want two more hours of temptation!), but I also refrained from eating the cookies and candy and appetizers I lust for every other year! Damn, I am good! I felt even better-like I had defeated the Devil!
Coming into this week...
The meltdown is coming. I felt so amazing and awesome after last week- losing a pound and killing it in the gym. I continued to do my mile on the treadmill, sprints and weights. I had ran five miles...that is CRAZY! I also added the night of Bootcamp Rob does for his clients on Tuesday nights (which is not fun!). But I slowly became discouraged when my weight started going up...damn it! I was at 125...then 125.8...then today I am 126.8. Seriously, what the hell! I talked to Robb once again this morning and he said not to be worried, we have plenty of time and he's not worried. That's great and all, and I will continue to work my ass off, but I am frustrated. I need to see the scale drop. I need to see it change. I am frustrated. I will meet with him tonight to change my diet (and probably my workout)...but Lord help me! Oh, and to make matters worse...tonight is high intensity training. FML.
I will try and post more frequently...
And PS...if you do want to do this (which I HIGHLY encourage)...Rob is your dude. He is wonderful at what he does...and even though he will try to kill you...he does care!
LD
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