Well, bulking is a little scary!

Again, I have been slacking on the posting! Ugh, I wish I could make my training and fitness a full time job (or at least get paid!) and I would blog allll the time. 

I started last week with Lucas Woods doing my nutrition and training for the Warrior in August. As of today we are about 16.5 weeks out. It's crazy to think that it is sooo far out, yet it comes sooo quick. After looking at a couple options I decided to start working with Lucas to prep me. He has had some great experience with female clients as well has competed himself. He has set up a diet plan and training plan to prep me and be prepared hopefully a couple weeks before the show is even here. 

That being said, right now I am reverse dieting, almost bulking. At my leanest, I was at 118 and about 18% body fat. Damn, I was getting there. From there, I did take a little break from my diet (changed up my eating-started IIFYM-and consequently binged a couple times). I knew it was bound to happen because I had been depriving myself for around six months. When I started training with Lucas, I was at 123. It is crazy how five pounds can make you feel so different. It is really hard to keep a positive body image after seeing myself so lean, but I am doing my best. 

Lucas has me at roughly 2200 calories, precision macros, in order to work my metabolism back up. Now, I am excited because I am not as hungry as I was on my 1200-1600 calories, but it is scarier bulking up. I am training five days a week right now and doing two HIIT sessions. That being said, I never thought bulking would be a part of my vocabulary. I never thought in the process I would put on weight...and it is hard. I sat at the squat rack today noticing that my stomach wasn't as flat, my quads were bigger and I just felt gross. I don't know how these ladies do this for extended periods of time. It makes me panic...am I getting myself in over my head? Am I going to lose it again? It makes me second guess if I am working hard enough. WTF, Lauren...get out of your head. You got this. 

But again, I have to enjoy the process and trust it. It's really hard, but I am trying. 

Working on strength...

Strong is the new skinny. That is what "THEY" say at least. 

I am trying to believe this. 

I know I just ended my last post (that I wrote yesterday) saying that I am focusing being stronger and focusing on progress. But...it is still hard. Here are a couple goals that I have laid out for the next three months:

Smith Squat 200lbs by 6/15

BB Deadlift 150lbs by 6/15

25 Hanging Abs/Knees by 6/15

50  REAL Mountain Climbers TRX by 6/15

50  REAL Pikes TRX by 6/15

6 BW Pull-Ups by 6/15

6 BW Dips by 6/15

112lbs by 6/15

14% BF by 6/15

SIX PACK By 6/15

I still struggle, I am human. My trainer laughed yesterday when I said I felt fat and then says, "When do you not feel fat?" Ummm...I need to chill out. I look great. I feel great. I know that as I become more fit, I am not going to see as steady results as what I have seen in the past six months. BE PATIENT, Lauren.

Today is day one of being more positive, I got this. I am throwing my scale in the garage. I refuse to be defined or discourage myself based on what the scale says. I know that I am working my ass off...and if people can't see that and appreciate it, FUCK them! I am the fittest bitch I can be. 

LD

So I feel a little fluffy...and I am throwing away my scale.

Oh...MY...gosh...

I am speaking in "fit terms." I always heard people talking about how they felt "fluffy," yet I never got it. My mentality was always like...

"Um, so you feel fat? That's great. It's called fat, not fluffy. No need to glamorize or cute it up!"

But now I get it. I can completely feel my muscles...but there are days that my skin and "fat" feel so much more prominent on top of them. My weight is the same as days I don't feel "fluffy," however I feel like I am so much bigger. Typically, it is water weight. I have started allocating my carbs to fit around my workouts, as well as introducing sodium back in my diet. This has been extremely difficult for me. I love me some carbs, and breakfast is the best time to eat them! I am not an egg lady...I do not enjoy them...so it makes it difficult to eat something without carbs in the morning that doesn't completely ruin all my fats for the day (cough, cough BACON). With the introduction of these back into my life, I have gained a little weight. I am sitting at 121 and I feel like it may just be from water retention and daily fluctuations. My lowest was 118 when I started IIFYM...and I flip-flop between there and 121.

 Just as an example...check this out. I sodium and carb loaded for my "pre-six pack" pictures for our challenge that started the 15th. I ate whatever the heck I wanted for my cheat day:

Chocolate and Caramels

French Fries

PF Changs Deliciousness

The Great Wall of Chocolate Cake

And I got REALLY! bloated. And looked disgusting-I looked like I did before I started this journey! I seriously thought that I was going to die from how tight my stomach was; but that was the goal! So, here. Here is the pictures we took for our challenge. DISGUSTING!

However, check this out. This is the power of sodium and carb loading...within moderation...it goes away! These pictures are taken less than 24 hours apart. That is INSANE.

I have been doing this IIFYM lifestyle for the past month or so. I actually really enjoy it, and it is a great lifestyle eating plan. It allows me to have great food in moderation...and NOT FREAK OUT! That being the case, I am still trying to determine what caloric value and macros suit me best. Right now I am competing in a "Six Pack Challenge" with Faruk and two others...so I am low on calories (around 1250). I recently joined IIFYM Women on Facebook and they suggested I should be around 1550 cals a day to still see steady fat loss...so I am feeling it out. I am going to give myself the next couple weeks to see progress on 1250 and then go from there. 

In the meantime, I have had my Mom and friend Kelli join me on the IIFYM crusade. They have both started using this approach and have lost steady weight consistently! My mom is down 5 pounds in a month...and Kelli about the same! It is SO exciting to see something work for soooo many people...that is not that difficult! I am so proud of both of them.

I am new to this. And sometimes I feel like I am not making progress...but I have to be patient. This isn't a sprint, it is a marathon...and I have started out SO strong. I am learning about my body; what works and what doesn't. I am stronger and MUCH happier and confident.

I got this...and I am not finished yet!


Lauren

Dang, apparently I am not a good Blogger!

Nearly another month until my last post...I am such a slacker.

I would say that it is because I am soooo busy, but I could make time. I guess it is just because I have been stuck in a rut. Frustrated, overwhelmed, anxious, crazy...I have been feeling all of it. That being said, I could be better. I should be better.

On a side note, it has been amazing picking up a second family at the gym. I joke around with everyone, but I truly feel like a local celebrity. I know everyone, everyone knows me. Both the staff and regulars form such an amazing family.

Again over the last month, a lot has happened. I was sitting pretty stagnant for all of January and February at 120lbs. My body fat was steadily going down, but it still was bugging me. I started getting to the point where I was irritated. I was getting bitter about going to the gym. I didn't want to work out in the morning...or even at night. I had more fun shooting the shit with the 24hr staff than making it happen. Particularly on Tuesday nights...

I hate Tuesday nights at the gym. IT IS PACKED! I have no idea why. Seriously...why Tuesday nights?! About three weeks ago, I was bitching to my friend Nick at 24. I explained all of the above. I was worn out, tired, burnt out, scared, anxious...you name it. I showed him my workout, which at the time was five sets of 20 reps of about 15-20 exercises. That in addition to my morning and evening cardio, abs and daily exercises...I was in over my head.

At that time, another trainer peeked his head around the wall and started listening to our conversation. He asked to see my diet and regiment...and was shocked. To be honest, I was shocked he was shocked. He told me that the diet I had and the routine I had was insane. He told me I was working too hard and eating too clean to only have seen the results I had. Excuse me, what?! I worked my ass off for the past four months, lost 10% body fat and 10lbs and you think I should have done better? Really.

At first I was pissed, thinking he was just being an asshole. But he actually was really nice about it. He started talking to me about my goals and the reasons why he thought what he did. He offered me the opportunity to come train with him for a session and just check it out. To be honest, I was kind of excited to vary it up. I had been told this by several people and trainers at the gym, so at this point, I was starting to second guess that I was doing the right thing. Plus, his dieting option seemed much more attractive to where I was at...so I tried it. I met with him the following Saturday.

HE KICKED MY ASS. 

I was sweating in places I had never sweat before. Like literally, on my ribs. Weird. The workout was totally different. It wasn't completely weightlifting based; it was more focused on using my body to my advantage to strengthen me. I was, again, shocked. Oh, and by the way...the trainer's name is Faruk. Haha, after reading this over...I realized I said "he" a lot!

Well, needless to say, I was between a rock and a hard place. I felt like I got the most amazing work out from him, and yet still had another trainer, meal plan, workout plan...and competition to think about. What was I to do? I also had to think about how unhappy and mentally unstable I was becoming. I was a bitch. I complained. Everyone cracked jokes about it at work. I was becoming anxious and obsessed with the scale. I have had huge issues with my weight fluctuating before, to the extreme points of unhealthy behavior, and I felt it was getting to this point again. I truly would feel guilty if I ate a rice cake or banana when it wasn't on my meal plan for the day. I was making myself physically sick and obsessing over it. I knew that if I continued down the path I was on, I would physically exhaust myself and develop an eating disorder.

Upon talking to Faruk more, he seemed genuinely interested in wanting to help me. I know, what your thinking...he's a trainer, at a gym, his job is to sell you. And to an extent, you are right. But Faruk took the time to explain his processes, nutrition plans, experiences, success stories and passion to want to help me. He started talking about getting my metabolism back on track; looking at a more healthy way to cut...and eat enjoyable foods. He sent me a text that next day (Sunday), asking me to take the leap of faith and let him take me to where I wanted to be. What do I do? I love Rob. I love him as a friend and for all the success that he was giving me. But I couldn't do it anymore.

I decided to, regardless of who was training me, I was not ready for the show in April. Wah, Wah...that sucks! I knew that my muscle definition, body fat and body was not what it needed to be to have me be confident in going on stage. That being said, I wanted to see what Faruk's diet was all about. He had been talking about the "If It Fits Your Macros (IIFYM)" lifestyle, and frankly I had seen all about it all over the bodybuilding and fitness EVERYTHING! It looked like so much more enjoyable, and flexible.

I took that step. I started using his methods, setting up my macros for my diet change and working out a plan/regiment that would kick my ass in the gym. Within the first week, I lost two pounds. I couldn't believe it. While I am still sitting a week later at that same weight (118.2), I am enjoying my progress again. Faruk and I are working to get to my goals as they come. He is committed to making sure that we do this as successfully and safely as possible. We are taking it one step at a time! First step, Six-Pack Brett Seeley Ab Transformation Challenge. March 15th starts a 90-day challenge for the best team of 4 Ab Transformation. This is something we are working on together...and from there deciding which show to do. I have two options as of right now: July 12 Tokyo Joe's and August 22nd The Warrior Classic. We have plenty of time, between 18-24 weeks, and my goal is to be the fittest one there. I want a booty girls are envious of, abs men would die for! But I have to make sure I am OK first.

I am still training with Rob once a week and he has been supportive and understanding in knowing  I am not ready to do the Northern. He has gotten me from where I was- an unhappy, unconfident, sad lost girl to this amazing, confident, sassy, sexy woman. I know my worth and my value now. I can truly say I am proud of who I am and am not ashamed of anything about me anymore. I believe in myself.

P.S. Oh my gosh...I did my first posing class...HILARIOUS! I felt like the fat stripper. I never realized A). How painful it was going to be to pose-in stilettos-to make your muscles pop. Standing in awkward poses, for minutes on end, with fake ass smiles does not feel good at all! Plus, it showed me that I need to be confident as all get-out to make sure I can bust it out on stage.  I don't want to second guess myself and have that show...

Welp...just sitting at the hospital...waiting for a baby.

Wow, excitement overload.

I'm sitting in my best friend's hospital room waiting for the arrival of baby Baylor. It is soooo crazy, I can't believe the day is here. It's 11:46 PM and she's 7cm dilated.  Such big changes going on for all of us. Being in here, it is so different than what I had expected. I thought the nurses would be in and out checking her dilation constantly...and there to be a buzz around the hospital. Nope. We have the Olympics on, in the dark, relaxing in almost complete silence. All we hear is the precious beating of Baylor's heart; and his occasional hiccups :).

Looks like he will make his debut on 2.11.14. So exciting!

It has been such a long time since I last wrote. Almost a month...crazy. I thought through this process, I would write a lot more. I thought that it was cathartic and would be a great outlet. And honestly, I thought I would be a lot more dramatic. I have kept it pretty together. There have been several times I thought I was reaching my breaking point, yet I didn't break. Or cry. Or really anything. CRAZY. Maybe I am stronger than I thought. 

This last month since writing has been a little stressful. I didn't seem to be losing any weight, and my progress pics didn't seem to be showing any improvements. I was pissed. I have always known that my body hated losing weight, but I figured with all the hardcore training and dieting, something would happen. 

-I changed my diet three times

-I added morning fasted cardio

-I hadn't cheated on my diet once 

-I prayed. Again. 

And nothing. Seriously. I had another several moments of doubting God. It keeps feeling like nothing ever goes my way. In meeting with Rob, we were at a loss. He explained he was going to deplete my water on a trial run to test it for the real thing. If this didn't work, I was pretty much screwed. I was worried, because I honestly didn't think with my luck it would work. However, I wasn't worried because I am not a big water drinker. I thought, "No big deal. I got this handled...I don't need water." Holy shit I was wrong. 

On a positive note, I gained a partner in crime throughout this ordeal. Another one of Rob's clients, Shauna, was planning on doing the show too. While at first I was worried I would hate her, I quickly learned that she would turn out to be the most amazing person...ever! And seriously, fucking hilarious. I may need to do a blog post of all the funny, random shit she says. 

Back to my story...we depleted our water together. I seriously wanted to die. Fuck me, it was the most horrible time yet. I literally felt like death. I took a nap at my desk during lunch on day three of depletion...I was a hot mess.

 I did, however, get really creative with my egg whites. I mixed my chocolate protein with them and microwaved them...and it turned into a marshmallow-y blob. At first, tasted great. After a while, it was starting to get to me. I would get chunks that tasted great, followed by chunks that tasted like chocolate eggs. Gag me. 

After depleting for four days, Shauna and I had met with Rob. I went from 122.6 to roughly 116. Holy shit, I hate retaining water. Six fucking pounds....really?! Rob said that I am almost right where I need to be as far as weight, I just need to lose a couple more pounds. Also, I can start seeing definition in my abs...yes!!

 Just a couple! He also checked my body fat...and I am down to 18.8%! FUCK YEAH...AMAZING. I have about 8% left to lose over the next 61 days. I lost 4% last month and need to continue at that pace over the next 60 days. 

I am still scared. I'm afraid I won't be ready in time. I freak out over the tiniest things...like eating a chicken salad tonight with a banana (because I was in the hospital) instead of the salmon and cottage cheese on my my diet. It is making me crazy. While I am thankful for the dedication to my plan...sometimes I am too much for my own good. I need to relax. I am glad to be sitting in this room, chatting with my best friend, waiting for the arrival of her first baby. Crazy. I'm gonna be an auntie. And while my head is freaking out about what I ate, and how I skipped the gym tonight, I wouldn't miss it for the world. And maybe, just maybe, God will understand...and throw me a bone this week.

And because this is a personal journey too, I had a great opportunity to see how God is working in my life. For the first time, ever, I realized and was thankful for unanswered prayers. Wow, going from doubting God to thanking him in one post...yep, that's typically Lauren. For so long I prayed and prayed and prayed...and was so frustrated that my prayers weren't answered. Again, I thought God was against me, but I've seen now everything is exactly how it's supposed to be. It didn't make the pain justified, or my hurt gone, but I know that God is protecting me because he loves me so much. And there are days where I am still upset, still frustrated...but I know better days are coming. 

Hmmmm...What do I write about?

So it has been about two weeks since I wrote.

Seriously, nothing has changed. Nothing.  I haven't lost a pound. I mean, really?

While I am still working my ass off everyday...it is frustrating. I should probably not be stressed out because of it, but I have never done this before. I have NO idea what to expect...

Speaking of which, I kinda went off on Robb about all of this...and he joked that all of his girls are so emotional. While he is probably absolutely correct, I did have to explain to him that I don't know what to expect. I am seeing the inches and body fat go down...but that is about it! Ugh, I wish I didn't care as much about the scale.

I trained with one of the girls I will be competing with last week. She is super sweet and has quite a bit of fight in her too. I was excited to see that I was quite a bit a head of her in my lifting ability and strength...but she is rocking it out!

On a more positive note, I have noticed a crazy increase in my confidence and self worth.  I carry myself better, am more confident in my clothes...and I am wearing leggings! HOLY SHIT. I never thought I would wear leggings without a dress over them. CRAZY.

To date, I have lost 7lbs, 15 inches and 6% body fat...

I have two days of rest this week and meet with Robb on Thursday. I got my new diet I start on Thursday- and I am so excited (in hopes of it actually working and I lose weight!). Also I got my new workouts. INTENSE. I am now doing morning cardio and evening cardio and weights. It is intense. Most of my workouts are 5 sets of 40 reps...whew...I am in for a treat.

Here is to my NPC bikini body! Pray for me!


LD

I gave up today.

I gave up today. I used every reason in the book about why I couldn't do my workout today.

• I was exhausted
• I feel like I am not doing the exercises perfect
• The gym is too busy
• I worked 12 hours
• I was hungry
• I will never compare to the girls that are competing

I let these thoughts get the best of me today. I hate it. This morning I was so pumped about where I was at. I had lost another pound (after two weeks of not losing anything) and was at 122.4. Furthermore, I got to share my progress and story with the group of new hires starting. But then, out of nowhere, I started to doubt myself. I saw another trainer on Facebook talk about how his girls were ahead of schedule and looking amazing. I checked out their pictures. They did look amazing. These girls looked like they were ready to step on stage...and we are still 3 months out! I started to freak out. I am definitely not ready. I have love handles and thighs to lose. I need to have definition in my legs, arms and abs...how am I going to compete with these girls? Granted, they also have three months. Three months to fall off, weaken, worsen...and most likely get better. 

All of these things and probably more got to me at the gym today. Probably the most was the fact that I don't feel confident in my Monday routine. Not only am I tired, but I am doing high intensity training in areas I am not good in. My core still stinks...and honestly, I am afraid of looking stupid or doing something wrong. While yes, everyone one has to start somewhere- and those girls we talked about earlier started there once too- I psych myself out. 

I did a little bit of my circuit and quit. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me. I am nervous. I have never done this before. It is hard for me to think that I can get down and ready to where these girls are. But the biggest thing is...I don't want to lose. Everyone tells me it is about the journey and seeing what you have accomplished-and I get it- but I also want to win. I don't want to be just OK. This is not the time, effort and money I have allocated to be just "OK." So I am scared.

Now, am I going to give up. NO. I know I can do this. I have to do this. But today shook my confidence. I need to be comfortable in all my workouts. I need to handle my shit and make things happen. But it is not going to happen over night. At church this weekend there was a gentleman that spoke about his interest in going into the Navy Seals. He knew it would be a daunting, almost, if not completely impossible feat. But he said it was his calling-he felt it within him. So he said to God, he said, "If I do everything in my power that I can do, I am going to rely on You to take care of the parts that are impossible." That is where I need to be. I know this is really hard. Really, REALLY hard. But if I do everything I can, maybe God can help with the rest. I sure hope he does. I want this.

That is all for now. Goodnight and praying for a positive tomorrow.

LD