So it has been about two weeks since I wrote.
Seriously, nothing has changed. Nothing. I haven't lost a pound. I mean, really?
While I am still working my ass off everyday...it is frustrating. I should probably not be stressed out because of it, but I have never done this before. I have NO idea what to expect...
Speaking of which, I kinda went off on Robb about all of this...and he joked that all of his girls are so emotional. While he is probably absolutely correct, I did have to explain to him that I don't know what to expect. I am seeing the inches and body fat go down...but that is about it! Ugh, I wish I didn't care as much about the scale.
I trained with one of the girls I will be competing with last week. She is super sweet and has quite a bit of fight in her too. I was excited to see that I was quite a bit a head of her in my lifting ability and strength...but she is rocking it out!
On a more positive note, I have noticed a crazy increase in my confidence and self worth. I carry myself better, am more confident in my clothes...and I am wearing leggings! HOLY SHIT. I never thought I would wear leggings without a dress over them. CRAZY.
To date, I have lost 7lbs, 15 inches and 6% body fat...
I have two days of rest this week and meet with Robb on Thursday. I got my new diet I start on Thursday- and I am so excited (in hopes of it actually working and I lose weight!). Also I got my new workouts. INTENSE. I am now doing morning cardio and evening cardio and weights. It is intense. Most of my workouts are 5 sets of 40 reps...whew...I am in for a treat.
Here is to my NPC bikini body! Pray for me!
LD
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
I gave up today.
I gave up today. I used every reason in the book about why I couldn't do my workout today.
- I was exhausted
- I feel like I am not doing the exercises perfect
- The gym is too busy
- I worked 12 hours
- I was hungry
- I will never compare to the girls that are competing
I let these thoughts get the best of me today. I hate it. This morning I was so pumped about where I was at. I had lost another pound (after two weeks of not losing anything) and was at 122.4. Furthermore, I got to share my progress and story with the group of new hires starting. But then, out of nowhere, I started to doubt myself. I saw another trainer on Facebook talk about how his girls were ahead of schedule and looking amazing. I checked out their pictures. They did look amazing. These girls looked like they were ready to step on stage...and we are still 3 months out! I started to freak out. I am definitely not ready. I have love handles and thighs to lose. I need to have definition in my legs, arms and abs...how am I going to compete with these girls? Granted, they also have three months. Three months to fall off, weaken, worsen...and most likely get better.
All of these things and probably more got to me at the gym today. Probably the most was the fact that I don't feel confident in my Monday routine. Not only am I tired, but I am doing high intensity training in areas I am not good in. My core still stinks...and honestly, I am afraid of looking stupid or doing something wrong. While yes, everyone one has to start somewhere- and those girls we talked about earlier started there once too- I psych myself out.
I did a little bit of my circuit and quit. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me. I am nervous. I have never done this before. It is hard for me to think that I can get down and ready to where these girls are. But the biggest thing is...I don't want to lose. Everyone tells me it is about the journey and seeing what you have accomplished-and I get it- but I also want to win. I don't want to be just OK. This is not the time, effort and money I have allocated to be just "OK." So I am scared.
Now, am I going to give up. NO. I know I can do this. I have to do this. But today shook my confidence. I need to be comfortable in all my workouts. I need to handle my shit and make things happen. But it is not going to happen over night. At church this weekend there was a gentleman that spoke about his interest in going into the Navy Seals. He knew it would be a daunting, almost, if not completely impossible feat. But he said it was his calling-he felt it within him. So he said to God, he said, "If I do everything in my power that I can do, I am going to rely on You to take care of the parts that are impossible." That is where I need to be. I know this is really hard. Really, REALLY hard. But if I do everything I can, maybe God can help with the rest. I sure hope he does. I want this.
That is all for now. Goodnight and praying for a positive tomorrow.
LD
Sunday, January 5, 2014
It's amazing what others think...
Hey Y'all! Again, I say that like I am from Texas...a little in-authentic, I guess :)
Another week, another couple of stories. This week was a great week for me. It was the first week of my new diet and new workouts. I will say, I was a little scared- for a couple reasons.
First, I knew that the workouts would become more substantial and intense. I tend to underestimate myself at the gym, so it can be a little intimidating at first doing things alone (not to mention, having someone watching me do it). It was like that when I first started doing deadlifts. I did amazing when I worked with Robb on them. I had excellent form, could lift the weight like a champ...I was awesome. But ever since I have done them on my own, I struggle. I can't seem to keep grip of the bar, I feel my form sucks...I don't know why I do that to myself! I had a couple of those moments this week. Burpies, Plyo Pushups and Rear Delt Cable Flys were all things I was scared about. I have never done any of them before, and even though I practiced with Robb, they still were daunting. I couldn't even do a Plyo Push-up.
Secondly, the diet changed. What I thought was rough before was even rougher now. There was no peanut butter, toast, turkey bacon...nothing. Which obviously, I knew would go away at some point. It's more chicken and...wah, wah...more eggs! This is what is killing me the most. I am eating 4 eggs whites three to four days a week with nothing to accompany them! I did have to start plugging my nose because I gagged several times while chewing. Additionally, I am eating about 20-30oz of protein in the form of meat. That is a HUGE change for me, not to mention my stomach. Ay Carumba, I look like I have gained weight with the food baby I have after meals!
I am starting to get nervous, I can feel it and hear the voices in my head about it all day long. I am nervous I won't make enough progress in time. I talk to Robb and he explained his experienced girls are starting to train next month for this show...and I am nowhere near where they are at! Let's hope and pray this month does a lot for me. On top of it, I got this text from Robb that just let the nerves settle in even more...
I have been struggling a lot lately with frustration--and this has been the reason. What you may not know, is a lot of the reason I started this was to gain my confidence back. I lost myself when I lost my relationship over the summer. The actions taken, the things that were said, the lack of compassion...I was left wanting to give up. While there were equal problems by both parties (I was in the wrong too!), I ended up feeling like I was worthless. That there was something wrong with me. That all the good in me was missing- like a piece of gum with all the flavor gone. My world was turned upside-down. I have always had self esteem issues, body image issues and self worth issues. I have never felt pretty enough or always compared myself to others. I self deprecate. I doubt my value in almost every situation. This breakup brought me to rock bottom. I needed to re-establish who I was. I had been living for everyone else for so long, I was not worried about who I was and how to make me happy. I've started doing that. I've felt self conscious about my body all my life...so I am working to change that.
While I am still healing, I have learned a lot. I have learned a lot about me. I have learned a lot about others. I am gaining me back. My friend Tiffany the other day was describing me to her mother, and said, "She is the most self-assured (in a good way) lady I know." I was shocked. She was talking about me? The hurtful words and phrases that were thrown at me and permanently etched in my memory during this breakup are starting to lose their edge. I have found that I am worth it. Not only to myself, but to others. I am an amazing, giving, talented, beautiful woman. Yes, I have my moments. But to say that is wrong is completely ludicrous. Everyone has their moments; we are human.
However, it is not easy. While I am gaining back myself, I still lose it sometimes. I had a meltdown this week. I felt like God hates me...and purposely tries to hurt me rather than help me. Why does he give everything to some people who may not deserve it (yes, I know I don't make that call!), yet purposely put up endless hurdles in front of what I want? I have felt like this a lot going through this breakup. Let's be honest, I have felt that was throughout my twenties. Although I typically get these thoughts when things aren't going my way...and don't necessarily think about it when things are going well, it still is tough. I again am reminded of my patience. I need patience. Well, and God to hurry up and answer my prayers :)
Whew, long one today! But, here's to not giving up and giving it my all. Making the most of every workout and adding umph to get me to where I need to be!
It's getting good. Don't go anywhere.
LD
Another week, another couple of stories. This week was a great week for me. It was the first week of my new diet and new workouts. I will say, I was a little scared- for a couple reasons.
First, I knew that the workouts would become more substantial and intense. I tend to underestimate myself at the gym, so it can be a little intimidating at first doing things alone (not to mention, having someone watching me do it). It was like that when I first started doing deadlifts. I did amazing when I worked with Robb on them. I had excellent form, could lift the weight like a champ...I was awesome. But ever since I have done them on my own, I struggle. I can't seem to keep grip of the bar, I feel my form sucks...I don't know why I do that to myself! I had a couple of those moments this week. Burpies, Plyo Pushups and Rear Delt Cable Flys were all things I was scared about. I have never done any of them before, and even though I practiced with Robb, they still were daunting. I couldn't even do a Plyo Push-up.
Secondly, the diet changed. What I thought was rough before was even rougher now. There was no peanut butter, toast, turkey bacon...nothing. Which obviously, I knew would go away at some point. It's more chicken and...wah, wah...more eggs! This is what is killing me the most. I am eating 4 eggs whites three to four days a week with nothing to accompany them! I did have to start plugging my nose because I gagged several times while chewing. Additionally, I am eating about 20-30oz of protein in the form of meat. That is a HUGE change for me, not to mention my stomach. Ay Carumba, I look like I have gained weight with the food baby I have after meals!
I am starting to get nervous, I can feel it and hear the voices in my head about it all day long. I am nervous I won't make enough progress in time. I talk to Robb and he explained his experienced girls are starting to train next month for this show...and I am nowhere near where they are at! Let's hope and pray this month does a lot for me. On top of it, I got this text from Robb that just let the nerves settle in even more...
Competition Reminder:
The competition is 3.5 months away! Training for this shows is very difficult if you can see your trainer 2-3 times a week! So it is even harder for all of you! Make sure you know what you are doing when you run through your workouts and if you don't, call or text me! Also make sure you have downloaded the app from bodybuilding.com ; it's free and has an exercise library to help you. Every workout should feel like an ass kicking and your goal should be to get as close to getting your butt kicked by me as possible. Communication is vital since we don't see each other multiple times per week. When doing cardio you should be dripping when done and when lifting you should be struggling to get the set amount of reps. With that being said, be safe and listen to your body and it's limits- but remember we are here to push our limits as well! That's all I have for you, so get it going the next three months!!!!
(P.S. John has 3-5 girls that are doing the show as well and although we will all pose and be a team backstage, I do not want any of you losing to his girls! Plus I know you want to make your trainer look good :) Get to work! )Talk about freaking you out! Going back to my doubtfulness with my workouts, this text made me start doubting my ability to be ready in time. Am I training hard enough? Am I doing everything right? Will I lose enough and be fit enough? I start to psych myself out. I have to stop. I am seeing such great results and I just need to keep pushing. It is so hard because I want to be number one. I want to know exactly what it takes to place...but there isn't a perfect formula. And lastly, he is right, I want to make Robb proud. Yes, I am doing this for me, but I want to show him that I can do it too. That I can go from being a weight lifting novice to placing at a show!
I have been struggling a lot lately with frustration--and this has been the reason. What you may not know, is a lot of the reason I started this was to gain my confidence back. I lost myself when I lost my relationship over the summer. The actions taken, the things that were said, the lack of compassion...I was left wanting to give up. While there were equal problems by both parties (I was in the wrong too!), I ended up feeling like I was worthless. That there was something wrong with me. That all the good in me was missing- like a piece of gum with all the flavor gone. My world was turned upside-down. I have always had self esteem issues, body image issues and self worth issues. I have never felt pretty enough or always compared myself to others. I self deprecate. I doubt my value in almost every situation. This breakup brought me to rock bottom. I needed to re-establish who I was. I had been living for everyone else for so long, I was not worried about who I was and how to make me happy. I've started doing that. I've felt self conscious about my body all my life...so I am working to change that.
While I am still healing, I have learned a lot. I have learned a lot about me. I have learned a lot about others. I am gaining me back. My friend Tiffany the other day was describing me to her mother, and said, "She is the most self-assured (in a good way) lady I know." I was shocked. She was talking about me? The hurtful words and phrases that were thrown at me and permanently etched in my memory during this breakup are starting to lose their edge. I have found that I am worth it. Not only to myself, but to others. I am an amazing, giving, talented, beautiful woman. Yes, I have my moments. But to say that is wrong is completely ludicrous. Everyone has their moments; we are human.
However, it is not easy. While I am gaining back myself, I still lose it sometimes. I had a meltdown this week. I felt like God hates me...and purposely tries to hurt me rather than help me. Why does he give everything to some people who may not deserve it (yes, I know I don't make that call!), yet purposely put up endless hurdles in front of what I want? I have felt like this a lot going through this breakup. Let's be honest, I have felt that was throughout my twenties. Although I typically get these thoughts when things aren't going my way...and don't necessarily think about it when things are going well, it still is tough. I again am reminded of my patience. I need patience. Well, and God to hurry up and answer my prayers :)
Whew, long one today! But, here's to not giving up and giving it my all. Making the most of every workout and adding umph to get me to where I need to be!
It's getting good. Don't go anywhere.
LD
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