Awareness in the fitness industry

So one of the biggest things that is never acknowledged, or even discussed in depth within the fitness and bodybuilding industry, is the truth about the "off season" and the process to realize your fitness goals. There are so many fitness models and IFBB pro's out there that are constantly maintaining and advertising how amazing their bodies are year-round. However, for most it is not realistic.

 Is this talked about?

 HELL NO. 

Many people get into fitness and focus on a certain goal that is can be difficult to maintain for an extended period of time. Whether it is to compete, focus on building a strong body, better physique or any other reason...the goals range across the scope. I have fallen victim to this. I had trained for so long, took sodium out of my diet, killed myself with cardio and isolated myself from my life and friends...for what? To gain back all the weight (and then some) once I resumed LIVING. Now this sounds harsh...and it is, to an extent. The bullshit the "fitfam" feed you about maintaining and staying fit and trim and six-pack blessed is not realistic; at least not for most. When this is your JOB, your source of income and your LIVELIHOOD, maybe. But for the rest of us, this conversation and topic is not spoken and discussed enough.

Often times, after competing or achieving your goal , you will have that uncontrollable, amazing "nothing tastes as good as fit feels" moment. However, if you're not perfect, it will all come crashing down. After you have gone through this dramatic change with your body, any change or gain that you do make is extremely challenging and you often times develop Dismorphia. For those of you who are unfamiliar, dismorphia is an unrealistic viewpoint on your body; basically you are so focused on your goal that when you start to change/gain/maintain, you are unsatisfied, depressed, etc. This can in turn spiral into serious conditions, even eating disorders. Even worse,  sometimes while on your way to your goal, you will start to see yourself in an unrealistic view and criticize the progress you have made. You think you aren't fit enough, lean enough, muscular enough and so on and so forth.

This happened to me, in both scenarios. I thought I was so fat and disgusting when I was going through my prep with Robb. Going through my posts the other day, I called myself a fat stripper. Ummmmm, I was 120 pounds and 18% BF. Wait, what?! I would constantly criticize my "fat" on my stomach...which again, was non-existent. I got burnt out, I couldn't handle it anymore...and then I started to fall off. I adopted a "different" way of eating. I embraced sodium and other foods back in my diet and started IIFYM. I put on a couple pounds...I freaked out. Started criticizing that I had lost my gains...after 2 pounds. I was SICK...and delusional over this stupid fitness crap. I let it beat me.

I started resuming life. I had a couple drinks, went out with friends and made memories with my life. I had balance. And consequently, I gained weight. While part of it was because of my goals to become better, which included eating more to build mass, that wasn't all.

I got lazy.

I got complacent.

I wasn't seeing gains. 

And it continues to beat me...but now I am fighting back. The fitness industry is often very one sided. The glamorous side where everyone is beautiful, and while "the struggle is real," we never know what the "real struggle" is that everyone is talking about. Is it that they are truly happy with their lives? Or that they are spending ungodly amount of time in the gym and away from "life"? Or that they are bound to 1400 calories a day?

In an effort to get stronger and build the physique I want, I know I will have to bulk and build muscle. That means eat in a caloric surplus. In the 15 pounds I have gained since my prep low, I have seen changes in my body and muscle structure. I have seen my arms grow. I have also seen my abs get fluffier and my clothes start to get tight. IT is hard. While I know I have full control to create the body that I want, it is challenging to defend your "fitness" when you're bigger. Most people not familiar with fitness, let alone bodybuilding, don't understand the off-season, working for gains or fuel for growth. So when I am putting on weight, and I am not the size 3 that I was before, I get self-conscious. I feel people judge me in the fact that I gained it all back. That I couldn't make it work. And while I know my goals, they don't seem to understand.

THAT SUCKS.

Currently I am really self-conscious with where I am at now. I know I need to build muscle. I know how it works. But when I want to get in a bikini in the middle of summer and am not rocking the six pack anymore...I feel like shit. This is NOT for the weak of heart. There are struggles I deal with daily. From pulling at my clothes to disgust in the mirror, THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. Sometimes I just want to eat everything in sight because, "Well, I am gaining anyway...why not eat what I want?" It takes time. I must be patient. There is unrealistic view on how long and hard it is to build a body overnight. If people grow overnight, people think it's steroids. If people don't grow overnight, you're not working hard enough. It is a catch 22. But in seeing the stories of all my idols: Michelle Davis Bishop, Ashley Horner Cline and Chady Dunmore...they didn't see it overnight. They had struggles, they were overweight, they struggled. And they built, and continue to build.

Please know that this is the most amazing thing that has happened to me. EVER. I have met so many amazing people (UH-MAY-ZING), gained confidence I would never have and become who I want to be. However, advice to others looking at stepping into this lifestyle-

BE CAREFUL.

Focus on YOU and who YOU want to be. 

Who YOU see in the mirror. 

What YOU think of yourself. 

This journey is yours. It may take minutes, it may take millenniums. Every person is different and the story is built uniquely for you. Don't let someone else dim your sparkle because YOU think they're quicker or smarter or more advanced. They're struggling too. You may just not know with what...

Again, the struggle is real...but what is the struggle?

Love you all.

Make your dreams your reality.

LD

Follow me and my journey on IG: ms.lauren.elise

New Epiphany this morning...

I have changed. 

A LOT.

I noticed this morning just how much I have changed as I stepped off the scale this morning. This morning I got on the scale and was 134.8 pounds. A far cry from my 120 at my prep low back in March. Holy SHIT, I gained 15 pounds. When I started training with Robb I was 129. I gained more back then when I started. I know that I have been gaining weight consistently since cutting for my bikini show and started training with Lucas. Most recently I have been more relaxed on my diet and living life (which, I understand, can also be done without gaining weight).

And when I say change, I mean in a good way. YES, I am not where I want to be. I know that these 15 pounds are bothering me. I can feel them in my clothes, confidence and everyday workouts. HOWEVER, the old me...before I started this journey...would have had a terrrrrrible day after getting off the scale. I would feel the extra weight in my clothes all day, and know that I was defined by how I looked and felt.

That isn't me anymore. 

I know that I can live this lifestyle and be fit. It has been my choice to become more relaxed in my fitness and diet...and there are consequences of that. Whereas before I would cry and punish myself for letting myself get this way, I know now I will be able to accomplish ANY fitness goal I put in front of me. 

Am I happy with where I am at with my weight? NO. Have I had a great couple of months? Absolutely. My life has been absolutely amazing since I made this decision to change. I have had the opportunity to find myself and make myself proud. I went from someone who had no confidence, to someone that knows she is worth it. I am more focused on seeing my value rather than finding my value in what others think of me. Do I still have struggles? Of course. I am not perfect. There are days I am sad, depressed, overwhelmed, and feel I am up against a wall. But the great thing is, those are only days. It isn't my life. I know I can do this. I just have to put my mind to it.

So...today marks day 1 (well day 3) of getting back to my goals. I have set my macros up and am ready to kill it and be the best version of me. Will it be hard?

FUCK YEAH. 

IT'LL BE REAL HARD.

But I have done it before and I can do it again. 

I'm out.

<drops the mic>

LD

How does anyone appreciate this bulking business...

This world of fitness and prep literally is a mind-fuck every. single. day.

Yesterday I woke up feeling pretty good, I knew I wasn't in lean prep mode...but I felt good. All day I felt good.

THEN I WENT BIKINI SHOPPING.

Why did I do that?! Seriously. To make matters worse...I have put pressure on myself to be in a bikini, on my birthday, next week...in front of some SEXY ASS DUDES...in the middle of a BULK. 

Needless to say, some days it is a struggle more than others. I remember when I was prepping for the show in April, I was so frustrated by the scale, but I was SOOOOO lean. I thought I was huge. Now, I wish I was there again. 

Why do we do that as women? 

We think we are so fat and then look back on our younger years, and wish we were back there.

Well, I am working on loving this whole process. It is hard. Often times I see my worth in my exterior and not actually who I am and what I have to offer.  Iam worried that an extra five pounds means so much more to someone that my faith, values, contributions and who I am. And maybe I am right, but at the same time...does that really matter?

I am working on me. I have realized I am the one putting pressure on myself to look a certain way. While it is something I think that plays tricks on my mind...I know that other people envy me and where I am at. I need to be focusing on myself. Finding my beauty...truly. 

I have fought half the battle. There are days I KNOW I am badass. That I am stronger, fitter, more focused and beautiful than ever. Other days, I still need to believe. I am a work in progress.

I got this.

LD

So I was thinking...

I have noticed lately that we are so quick to blame something for our stalls in weightloss or progress--instead of understanding that this is a process and it takes time. What I have learned is that the scale is an evil bitch, progress pictures are key and IT TAKES TIME. Yes, there are going to be days that you gain weight from water retention, heavy lifting the day before, the weather, sodium intake, traveling, refeeds...etc. But at the end of the day, it is a journey. There are going to be days you jack up your macros and eat more than you should...and gain 5 lbs on the scale the next day. YOU DID NOT EAT ENOUGH TO GAIN 5 LBS...trust me. That is 17,500 calories over your maintenance. I freak out too, but you have to have patience. It evens out, your body is just shocked. You are not going to lose your weight and become perfect overnight. There are so many so quick to judge and want to quit because not seeing amazing results like some have. Have patience ladies...it will come.

That being said, we also do have to realize that sometimes we aren't as honest with our eating habits as we should. Loose tracking yields loose results. Be the best you can be. Get there steadily and enjoy the journey. There is no use getting frustrated constantly...life is too short  You all are beautiful!

Today I think I needed a reminder, along with all my IIFYM girls and friends. This is the only life we live, why not enjoy it? You know you're working hard, important people take notice...it'll be okay if it takes you a little bit longer than others. Don't compare yourself to others. It'll break your heart sometimes. You are SO beautiful. Don't forget that. Don't let your size, scale, view of beauty and diet define your beauty. There are too many people that'll be tough on you and rude--you don't need to add to it. 

Well...

Well apparently I didn't post this. Imagine this was from 6/18...


I am stressed out. Plain and simple. Week after week on these new macros and I feel like I am not making progress. I keep sending my updates to my coach and cringe every time I press the send button. Last week I even went as far as to get my blood tested to see what was wrong with me...welllllll.....turns out...I am pregnant.

JUST KIDDING.

I am normal, nothing is wrong.

Wahhhhh Wahhhh...

So why is it so damn hard for me to lose weight and make progress?

After talking with my coach, he thinks that I have far less muscle than we thought and that is the reason for the slow progress. He explained that the way he had the workout and diet set up, it is based on greater muscle tone...so in turn, I am not burning enough based on my structure for the plan I am on. So, after that conversation, we decided it would be best to build my muscle up and push back my show until I was perfectly ready to step on stage. Couple things went through my mind:

1. This sucks. I have been trying so hard to get to this goal and I feel like I am back at square one. 
2. Phewwww.....I am tired of dieting and would like to just focus on making gains
3. Makes sense...I mean why the hell are my fitness idols eating like 5k calories and maintaining their physique. Ummmm because they're shredded! Duh. More muscle = More calories lost
4. Will I ever get there?!

Wow, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Over the last week I have been absolutely amazing at how amazing my life has become.

 Some people are lost in the fire. Some people are born from it. 

I. AM. ABSOLUTELY. IN. LOVE. WITH. MY. LIFE. 

Approaching a year since I started this journey, I look back on all the progress I have made. I have gone from a weak (figuratively and literally) young woman, to the most bad ass, confident and self-assured woman I know. I have realized that I am worth it and no one can define me or make me inferior without my own consent. I also know, I have a long way to go...but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I have made the most amazing friends and learned to love myself for who I am. WINNING. 

So here is to you, all my friends...and why you have helped me on this journey. THIS POST IS FOR YOU!

My Family and Chelsea-Your support is unwavering. Thank you. You accomodate my diet, understand my schedule and support my decision to do this. While you may not understand at times, or think it is stupid or unnecessary...you continue to uplift me and tell me I can do it. I love you guys so much. Chelsea, you get extra praise because you told me about Quest Bars! How can I ever repay you?! I am guessing the answer will be...with more quest bars! 

Kelli- You have stood by me EVER SINGLE STEP OF THE WAY. You were there when I felt like no one else was. You sat there and cried with me. Listened to me. Encouraged me. I can not thank you enough. You are such an amazing person and I am so blessed to have you as a best friend. I hope one day I can show you how much you have meant to me.

Robert- You are THE BEST. Thank you for setting the pace for this endeavor for me. You gave me the confidence and skill to make this happen. I am now having to get creative with how I do it due to unforseen circumstances...but I am forever in debt with you and can't wait to train again! 

Britney-Thank you for being such an amazing best friend. You are always interested in how things are going and understanding of my schedule and diet. I don't know what I would do without you in my life. You know me best...and are there to listen through all the struggles I have. 

Billy- Thank you for telling me I am sexy and good in the interim. Your support and passion for fitness pushes me to be better. Even if I am OK now :)

Kim- You are my swolemate. SERIOUSLY. We may be the same person in different bodies. Thank you for being such an awesome gym partner and even better friend. This is just the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I am so thankful! Can't wait for all our adventures, camping trips and cooking amazingness. And we willllllll get you to compete. One day. 

Gigi-My little swole sister. Oh my gosh, you are amazing. You push me. You make me want to be more fit. Thank you for the great friendship and strive to be more great. You are doing big things girl...and I thank you for letting me be a part of it.

Whit and Chris-Thank you for believing in me and being my biggest cheerleaders when I don't believe. Your faith in me and in God are so helpful. I love you both to pieces and am so thankful to have you both.

Whitney- We are in this together my little barbell babe! We are working on us FIRST...thank you for your support and encouragement...WE GOT THIS. 

Jess- You believe in me when I don't believe in myself. You remind me of how great I am. I love you so much and am so blessed to have you as a friend. We may be too busy working our hustle to see each other all the time...but I wouldn't trade you for any friend in the world! 

Timora and Angela- Thank you for the constant encouragement and help throughout this journey. Between the stories, inspiration from your progress and gossip...it was great to be among you during through my first prep. I admire you ladies and can't wait to be a part of the elite club of competitors like you!

Faruk- Hey Boo! Thank you so much for being a wonderful mentor and pushing me to be better. I remember when we started this fabulous little relationship...you kicked my ass. Damnnnn...I was sore. Then I remember the time you made me sprint on the treadmill while it was off...and as I write this, I am now pissed off at you again for that. Your desire to be the best inspires me. Your faith in me and all I CAN do is unparalleled and I am so blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for not giving up on me or believing in the limits I set for myself are all I can accomplish--thank you for pushing me to more. I may irritate you...and you may irritate me, but I couldn't be more happy to train with you and call you a friend (although the most immature friend I have!). Love you Pumpkin.  

Lucas- Our journey is just beginning! I am so thankful for all the effort and assistance you have given me going through this so far. Your attention to detail and focus on my individual needs is great! I am so excited to have you as a friend and coach. We are going to KILL IT...I can't wait! 

Allllll the haters- Thank you! Your hate and criticism has motivated me farther than anyone above-COMBINED. My goal is not only to prove to myself I am capable, but to prove to you also. Keep doing what you are doing, I am just getting started. Remember, I am becoming the fittest bitch you will EVER see. 

Well, bulking is a little scary!

Again, I have been slacking on the posting! Ugh, I wish I could make my training and fitness a full time job (or at least get paid!) and I would blog allll the time. 

I started last week with Lucas Woods doing my nutrition and training for the Warrior in August. As of today we are about 16.5 weeks out. It's crazy to think that it is sooo far out, yet it comes sooo quick. After looking at a couple options I decided to start working with Lucas to prep me. He has had some great experience with female clients as well has competed himself. He has set up a diet plan and training plan to prep me and be prepared hopefully a couple weeks before the show is even here. 

That being said, right now I am reverse dieting, almost bulking. At my leanest, I was at 118 and about 18% body fat. Damn, I was getting there. From there, I did take a little break from my diet (changed up my eating-started IIFYM-and consequently binged a couple times). I knew it was bound to happen because I had been depriving myself for around six months. When I started training with Lucas, I was at 123. It is crazy how five pounds can make you feel so different. It is really hard to keep a positive body image after seeing myself so lean, but I am doing my best. 

Lucas has me at roughly 2200 calories, precision macros, in order to work my metabolism back up. Now, I am excited because I am not as hungry as I was on my 1200-1600 calories, but it is scarier bulking up. I am training five days a week right now and doing two HIIT sessions. That being said, I never thought bulking would be a part of my vocabulary. I never thought in the process I would put on weight...and it is hard. I sat at the squat rack today noticing that my stomach wasn't as flat, my quads were bigger and I just felt gross. I don't know how these ladies do this for extended periods of time. It makes me panic...am I getting myself in over my head? Am I going to lose it again? It makes me second guess if I am working hard enough. WTF, Lauren...get out of your head. You got this. 

But again, I have to enjoy the process and trust it. It's really hard, but I am trying. 

Working on strength...

Strong is the new skinny. That is what "THEY" say at least. 

I am trying to believe this. 

I know I just ended my last post (that I wrote yesterday) saying that I am focusing being stronger and focusing on progress. But...it is still hard. Here are a couple goals that I have laid out for the next three months:

Smith Squat 200lbs by 6/15

BB Deadlift 150lbs by 6/15

25 Hanging Abs/Knees by 6/15

50  REAL Mountain Climbers TRX by 6/15

50  REAL Pikes TRX by 6/15

6 BW Pull-Ups by 6/15

6 BW Dips by 6/15

112lbs by 6/15

14% BF by 6/15

SIX PACK By 6/15

I still struggle, I am human. My trainer laughed yesterday when I said I felt fat and then says, "When do you not feel fat?" Ummm...I need to chill out. I look great. I feel great. I know that as I become more fit, I am not going to see as steady results as what I have seen in the past six months. BE PATIENT, Lauren.

Today is day one of being more positive, I got this. I am throwing my scale in the garage. I refuse to be defined or discourage myself based on what the scale says. I know that I am working my ass off...and if people can't see that and appreciate it, FUCK them! I am the fittest bitch I can be. 

LD

So I feel a little fluffy...and I am throwing away my scale.

Oh...MY...gosh...

I am speaking in "fit terms." I always heard people talking about how they felt "fluffy," yet I never got it. My mentality was always like...

"Um, so you feel fat? That's great. It's called fat, not fluffy. No need to glamorize or cute it up!"

But now I get it. I can completely feel my muscles...but there are days that my skin and "fat" feel so much more prominent on top of them. My weight is the same as days I don't feel "fluffy," however I feel like I am so much bigger. Typically, it is water weight. I have started allocating my carbs to fit around my workouts, as well as introducing sodium back in my diet. This has been extremely difficult for me. I love me some carbs, and breakfast is the best time to eat them! I am not an egg lady...I do not enjoy them...so it makes it difficult to eat something without carbs in the morning that doesn't completely ruin all my fats for the day (cough, cough BACON). With the introduction of these back into my life, I have gained a little weight. I am sitting at 121 and I feel like it may just be from water retention and daily fluctuations. My lowest was 118 when I started IIFYM...and I flip-flop between there and 121.

 Just as an example...check this out. I sodium and carb loaded for my "pre-six pack" pictures for our challenge that started the 15th. I ate whatever the heck I wanted for my cheat day:

Chocolate and Caramels

French Fries

PF Changs Deliciousness

The Great Wall of Chocolate Cake

And I got REALLY! bloated. And looked disgusting-I looked like I did before I started this journey! I seriously thought that I was going to die from how tight my stomach was; but that was the goal! So, here. Here is the pictures we took for our challenge. DISGUSTING!

However, check this out. This is the power of sodium and carb loading...within moderation...it goes away! These pictures are taken less than 24 hours apart. That is INSANE.

I have been doing this IIFYM lifestyle for the past month or so. I actually really enjoy it, and it is a great lifestyle eating plan. It allows me to have great food in moderation...and NOT FREAK OUT! That being the case, I am still trying to determine what caloric value and macros suit me best. Right now I am competing in a "Six Pack Challenge" with Faruk and two others...so I am low on calories (around 1250). I recently joined IIFYM Women on Facebook and they suggested I should be around 1550 cals a day to still see steady fat loss...so I am feeling it out. I am going to give myself the next couple weeks to see progress on 1250 and then go from there. 

In the meantime, I have had my Mom and friend Kelli join me on the IIFYM crusade. They have both started using this approach and have lost steady weight consistently! My mom is down 5 pounds in a month...and Kelli about the same! It is SO exciting to see something work for soooo many people...that is not that difficult! I am so proud of both of them.

I am new to this. And sometimes I feel like I am not making progress...but I have to be patient. This isn't a sprint, it is a marathon...and I have started out SO strong. I am learning about my body; what works and what doesn't. I am stronger and MUCH happier and confident.

I got this...and I am not finished yet!


Lauren

Dang, apparently I am not a good Blogger!

Nearly another month until my last post...I am such a slacker.

I would say that it is because I am soooo busy, but I could make time. I guess it is just because I have been stuck in a rut. Frustrated, overwhelmed, anxious, crazy...I have been feeling all of it. That being said, I could be better. I should be better.

On a side note, it has been amazing picking up a second family at the gym. I joke around with everyone, but I truly feel like a local celebrity. I know everyone, everyone knows me. Both the staff and regulars form such an amazing family.

Again over the last month, a lot has happened. I was sitting pretty stagnant for all of January and February at 120lbs. My body fat was steadily going down, but it still was bugging me. I started getting to the point where I was irritated. I was getting bitter about going to the gym. I didn't want to work out in the morning...or even at night. I had more fun shooting the shit with the 24hr staff than making it happen. Particularly on Tuesday nights...

I hate Tuesday nights at the gym. IT IS PACKED! I have no idea why. Seriously...why Tuesday nights?! About three weeks ago, I was bitching to my friend Nick at 24. I explained all of the above. I was worn out, tired, burnt out, scared, anxious...you name it. I showed him my workout, which at the time was five sets of 20 reps of about 15-20 exercises. That in addition to my morning and evening cardio, abs and daily exercises...I was in over my head.

At that time, another trainer peeked his head around the wall and started listening to our conversation. He asked to see my diet and regiment...and was shocked. To be honest, I was shocked he was shocked. He told me that the diet I had and the routine I had was insane. He told me I was working too hard and eating too clean to only have seen the results I had. Excuse me, what?! I worked my ass off for the past four months, lost 10% body fat and 10lbs and you think I should have done better? Really.

At first I was pissed, thinking he was just being an asshole. But he actually was really nice about it. He started talking to me about my goals and the reasons why he thought what he did. He offered me the opportunity to come train with him for a session and just check it out. To be honest, I was kind of excited to vary it up. I had been told this by several people and trainers at the gym, so at this point, I was starting to second guess that I was doing the right thing. Plus, his dieting option seemed much more attractive to where I was at...so I tried it. I met with him the following Saturday.

HE KICKED MY ASS. 

I was sweating in places I had never sweat before. Like literally, on my ribs. Weird. The workout was totally different. It wasn't completely weightlifting based; it was more focused on using my body to my advantage to strengthen me. I was, again, shocked. Oh, and by the way...the trainer's name is Faruk. Haha, after reading this over...I realized I said "he" a lot!

Well, needless to say, I was between a rock and a hard place. I felt like I got the most amazing work out from him, and yet still had another trainer, meal plan, workout plan...and competition to think about. What was I to do? I also had to think about how unhappy and mentally unstable I was becoming. I was a bitch. I complained. Everyone cracked jokes about it at work. I was becoming anxious and obsessed with the scale. I have had huge issues with my weight fluctuating before, to the extreme points of unhealthy behavior, and I felt it was getting to this point again. I truly would feel guilty if I ate a rice cake or banana when it wasn't on my meal plan for the day. I was making myself physically sick and obsessing over it. I knew that if I continued down the path I was on, I would physically exhaust myself and develop an eating disorder.

Upon talking to Faruk more, he seemed genuinely interested in wanting to help me. I know, what your thinking...he's a trainer, at a gym, his job is to sell you. And to an extent, you are right. But Faruk took the time to explain his processes, nutrition plans, experiences, success stories and passion to want to help me. He started talking about getting my metabolism back on track; looking at a more healthy way to cut...and eat enjoyable foods. He sent me a text that next day (Sunday), asking me to take the leap of faith and let him take me to where I wanted to be. What do I do? I love Rob. I love him as a friend and for all the success that he was giving me. But I couldn't do it anymore.

I decided to, regardless of who was training me, I was not ready for the show in April. Wah, Wah...that sucks! I knew that my muscle definition, body fat and body was not what it needed to be to have me be confident in going on stage. That being said, I wanted to see what Faruk's diet was all about. He had been talking about the "If It Fits Your Macros (IIFYM)" lifestyle, and frankly I had seen all about it all over the bodybuilding and fitness EVERYTHING! It looked like so much more enjoyable, and flexible.

I took that step. I started using his methods, setting up my macros for my diet change and working out a plan/regiment that would kick my ass in the gym. Within the first week, I lost two pounds. I couldn't believe it. While I am still sitting a week later at that same weight (118.2), I am enjoying my progress again. Faruk and I are working to get to my goals as they come. He is committed to making sure that we do this as successfully and safely as possible. We are taking it one step at a time! First step, Six-Pack Brett Seeley Ab Transformation Challenge. March 15th starts a 90-day challenge for the best team of 4 Ab Transformation. This is something we are working on together...and from there deciding which show to do. I have two options as of right now: July 12 Tokyo Joe's and August 22nd The Warrior Classic. We have plenty of time, between 18-24 weeks, and my goal is to be the fittest one there. I want a booty girls are envious of, abs men would die for! But I have to make sure I am OK first.

I am still training with Rob once a week and he has been supportive and understanding in knowing  I am not ready to do the Northern. He has gotten me from where I was- an unhappy, unconfident, sad lost girl to this amazing, confident, sassy, sexy woman. I know my worth and my value now. I can truly say I am proud of who I am and am not ashamed of anything about me anymore. I believe in myself.

P.S. Oh my gosh...I did my first posing class...HILARIOUS! I felt like the fat stripper. I never realized A). How painful it was going to be to pose-in stilettos-to make your muscles pop. Standing in awkward poses, for minutes on end, with fake ass smiles does not feel good at all! Plus, it showed me that I need to be confident as all get-out to make sure I can bust it out on stage.  I don't want to second guess myself and have that show...

Welp...just sitting at the hospital...waiting for a baby.

Wow, excitement overload.

I'm sitting in my best friend's hospital room waiting for the arrival of baby Baylor. It is soooo crazy, I can't believe the day is here. It's 11:46 PM and she's 7cm dilated.  Such big changes going on for all of us. Being in here, it is so different than what I had expected. I thought the nurses would be in and out checking her dilation constantly...and there to be a buzz around the hospital. Nope. We have the Olympics on, in the dark, relaxing in almost complete silence. All we hear is the precious beating of Baylor's heart; and his occasional hiccups :).

Looks like he will make his debut on 2.11.14. So exciting!

It has been such a long time since I last wrote. Almost a month...crazy. I thought through this process, I would write a lot more. I thought that it was cathartic and would be a great outlet. And honestly, I thought I would be a lot more dramatic. I have kept it pretty together. There have been several times I thought I was reaching my breaking point, yet I didn't break. Or cry. Or really anything. CRAZY. Maybe I am stronger than I thought. 

This last month since writing has been a little stressful. I didn't seem to be losing any weight, and my progress pics didn't seem to be showing any improvements. I was pissed. I have always known that my body hated losing weight, but I figured with all the hardcore training and dieting, something would happen. 

-I changed my diet three times

-I added morning fasted cardio

-I hadn't cheated on my diet once 

-I prayed. Again. 

And nothing. Seriously. I had another several moments of doubting God. It keeps feeling like nothing ever goes my way. In meeting with Rob, we were at a loss. He explained he was going to deplete my water on a trial run to test it for the real thing. If this didn't work, I was pretty much screwed. I was worried, because I honestly didn't think with my luck it would work. However, I wasn't worried because I am not a big water drinker. I thought, "No big deal. I got this handled...I don't need water." Holy shit I was wrong. 

On a positive note, I gained a partner in crime throughout this ordeal. Another one of Rob's clients, Shauna, was planning on doing the show too. While at first I was worried I would hate her, I quickly learned that she would turn out to be the most amazing person...ever! And seriously, fucking hilarious. I may need to do a blog post of all the funny, random shit she says. 

Back to my story...we depleted our water together. I seriously wanted to die. Fuck me, it was the most horrible time yet. I literally felt like death. I took a nap at my desk during lunch on day three of depletion...I was a hot mess.

 I did, however, get really creative with my egg whites. I mixed my chocolate protein with them and microwaved them...and it turned into a marshmallow-y blob. At first, tasted great. After a while, it was starting to get to me. I would get chunks that tasted great, followed by chunks that tasted like chocolate eggs. Gag me. 

After depleting for four days, Shauna and I had met with Rob. I went from 122.6 to roughly 116. Holy shit, I hate retaining water. Six fucking pounds....really?! Rob said that I am almost right where I need to be as far as weight, I just need to lose a couple more pounds. Also, I can start seeing definition in my abs...yes!!

 Just a couple! He also checked my body fat...and I am down to 18.8%! FUCK YEAH...AMAZING. I have about 8% left to lose over the next 61 days. I lost 4% last month and need to continue at that pace over the next 60 days. 

I am still scared. I'm afraid I won't be ready in time. I freak out over the tiniest things...like eating a chicken salad tonight with a banana (because I was in the hospital) instead of the salmon and cottage cheese on my my diet. It is making me crazy. While I am thankful for the dedication to my plan...sometimes I am too much for my own good. I need to relax. I am glad to be sitting in this room, chatting with my best friend, waiting for the arrival of her first baby. Crazy. I'm gonna be an auntie. And while my head is freaking out about what I ate, and how I skipped the gym tonight, I wouldn't miss it for the world. And maybe, just maybe, God will understand...and throw me a bone this week.

And because this is a personal journey too, I had a great opportunity to see how God is working in my life. For the first time, ever, I realized and was thankful for unanswered prayers. Wow, going from doubting God to thanking him in one post...yep, that's typically Lauren. For so long I prayed and prayed and prayed...and was so frustrated that my prayers weren't answered. Again, I thought God was against me, but I've seen now everything is exactly how it's supposed to be. It didn't make the pain justified, or my hurt gone, but I know that God is protecting me because he loves me so much. And there are days where I am still upset, still frustrated...but I know better days are coming. 

Hmmmm...What do I write about?

So it has been about two weeks since I wrote.

Seriously, nothing has changed. Nothing.  I haven't lost a pound. I mean, really?

While I am still working my ass off everyday...it is frustrating. I should probably not be stressed out because of it, but I have never done this before. I have NO idea what to expect...

Speaking of which, I kinda went off on Robb about all of this...and he joked that all of his girls are so emotional. While he is probably absolutely correct, I did have to explain to him that I don't know what to expect. I am seeing the inches and body fat go down...but that is about it! Ugh, I wish I didn't care as much about the scale.

I trained with one of the girls I will be competing with last week. She is super sweet and has quite a bit of fight in her too. I was excited to see that I was quite a bit a head of her in my lifting ability and strength...but she is rocking it out!

On a more positive note, I have noticed a crazy increase in my confidence and self worth.  I carry myself better, am more confident in my clothes...and I am wearing leggings! HOLY SHIT. I never thought I would wear leggings without a dress over them. CRAZY.

To date, I have lost 7lbs, 15 inches and 6% body fat...

I have two days of rest this week and meet with Robb on Thursday. I got my new diet I start on Thursday- and I am so excited (in hopes of it actually working and I lose weight!). Also I got my new workouts. INTENSE. I am now doing morning cardio and evening cardio and weights. It is intense. Most of my workouts are 5 sets of 40 reps...whew...I am in for a treat.

Here is to my NPC bikini body! Pray for me!


LD

I gave up today.

I gave up today. I used every reason in the book about why I couldn't do my workout today.

• I was exhausted
• I feel like I am not doing the exercises perfect
• The gym is too busy
• I worked 12 hours
• I was hungry
• I will never compare to the girls that are competing

I let these thoughts get the best of me today. I hate it. This morning I was so pumped about where I was at. I had lost another pound (after two weeks of not losing anything) and was at 122.4. Furthermore, I got to share my progress and story with the group of new hires starting. But then, out of nowhere, I started to doubt myself. I saw another trainer on Facebook talk about how his girls were ahead of schedule and looking amazing. I checked out their pictures. They did look amazing. These girls looked like they were ready to step on stage...and we are still 3 months out! I started to freak out. I am definitely not ready. I have love handles and thighs to lose. I need to have definition in my legs, arms and abs...how am I going to compete with these girls? Granted, they also have three months. Three months to fall off, weaken, worsen...and most likely get better. 

All of these things and probably more got to me at the gym today. Probably the most was the fact that I don't feel confident in my Monday routine. Not only am I tired, but I am doing high intensity training in areas I am not good in. My core still stinks...and honestly, I am afraid of looking stupid or doing something wrong. While yes, everyone one has to start somewhere- and those girls we talked about earlier started there once too- I psych myself out. 

I did a little bit of my circuit and quit. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me. I am nervous. I have never done this before. It is hard for me to think that I can get down and ready to where these girls are. But the biggest thing is...I don't want to lose. Everyone tells me it is about the journey and seeing what you have accomplished-and I get it- but I also want to win. I don't want to be just OK. This is not the time, effort and money I have allocated to be just "OK." So I am scared.

Now, am I going to give up. NO. I know I can do this. I have to do this. But today shook my confidence. I need to be comfortable in all my workouts. I need to handle my shit and make things happen. But it is not going to happen over night. At church this weekend there was a gentleman that spoke about his interest in going into the Navy Seals. He knew it would be a daunting, almost, if not completely impossible feat. But he said it was his calling-he felt it within him. So he said to God, he said, "If I do everything in my power that I can do, I am going to rely on You to take care of the parts that are impossible." That is where I need to be. I know this is really hard. Really, REALLY hard. But if I do everything I can, maybe God can help with the rest. I sure hope he does. I want this.

That is all for now. Goodnight and praying for a positive tomorrow.

LD

It's amazing what others think...

Hey Y'all! Again, I say that like I am from Texas...a little in-authentic, I guess :)

Another week, another couple of stories. This week was a great week for me. It was the first week of my new diet and new workouts.  I will say, I was a little scared- for a couple reasons.

First, I knew that the workouts would become more substantial and intense. I tend to underestimate myself at the gym, so it can be a little intimidating at first doing things alone (not to mention, having someone watching me do it). It was like that when I first started doing deadlifts.  I did amazing when I worked with Robb on them.  I had excellent form, could lift the weight like a champ...I was awesome. But ever since I have done them on my own, I struggle. I can't seem to keep grip of the bar, I feel my form sucks...I don't know why I do that to myself! I had a couple of those moments this week. Burpies, Plyo Pushups and Rear Delt Cable Flys were all things I was scared about. I have never done any of them before, and even though I practiced with Robb, they still were daunting. I couldn't even do a Plyo Push-up.

Secondly, the diet changed. What I thought was rough before was even rougher now. There was no peanut butter, toast, turkey bacon...nothing. Which obviously, I knew would go away at some point. It's more chicken and...wah, wah...more eggs! This is what is killing me the most. I am eating 4 eggs whites three to four days a week with nothing to accompany them! I did have to start plugging my nose because I gagged several times while chewing. Additionally, I am eating about 20-30oz of protein in the form of meat. That is a HUGE change for me, not to mention my stomach. Ay Carumba, I look like I have gained weight with the food baby I have after meals!

I am starting to get nervous, I can feel it and hear the voices in my head about it all day long. I am nervous I won't make enough progress in time. I talk to Robb and he explained his experienced girls are starting to train next month for this show...and I am nowhere near where they are at! Let's hope and pray this month does a lot for me. On top of it, I got this text from Robb that just let the nerves settle in even more...

Competition Reminder: 

The competition is 3.5 months away! Training for this shows is very difficult if you can see your trainer 2-3 times a week! So it is even harder for all of you! Make sure you know what you are doing when you run through your workouts and if you don't, call or text me! Also make sure you have downloaded the app from bodybuilding.com ; it's free and has an exercise library to help you. Every workout should feel like an ass kicking and your goal should be to get as close to getting your butt kicked by me as possible. Communication is vital since we don't see each other multiple times per week. When doing cardio you should be dripping when done and when lifting you should be struggling to get the set amount of reps. With that being said, be safe and listen to your body and it's limits- but remember we are here to push our limits as well! That's all I have for you, so get it going the next three months!!!!  

(P.S. John has 3-5 girls that are doing the show as well and although we will all pose and be a team backstage, I do not want any of you losing to his girls! Plus I know you want to make your trainer look good :) Get to work! ) 

Talk about freaking you out! Going back to my doubtfulness with my workouts, this text made me start doubting my ability to be ready in time. Am I training hard enough? Am I doing everything right? Will I lose enough and be fit enough? I start to psych myself out. I have to stop.  I am seeing such great results and I just need to keep pushing. It is so hard because I want to be number one. I want to know exactly what it takes to place...but there isn't a perfect formula. And lastly, he is right, I want to make Robb proud. Yes, I am doing this for me, but I want to show him that I can do it too. That I can go from being a weight lifting novice to placing at a show!

I have been struggling a lot lately with frustration--and this has been the reason. What you may not know, is a lot of the reason I started this was to gain my confidence back. I lost myself when I lost my relationship over the summer. The actions taken, the things that were said, the lack of compassion...I was left wanting to give up. While there were equal problems by both parties (I was in the wrong too!), I ended up feeling like I was worthless. That there was something wrong with me. That all the good in me was missing- like a piece of gum with all the flavor gone. My world was turned upside-down. I have always had self esteem issues, body image issues and self worth issues. I have never felt pretty enough or always compared myself to others. I self deprecate. I doubt my value in almost every situation. This breakup brought me to rock bottom. I needed to re-establish who I was. I had been living for everyone else for so long, I was not worried about who I was and how to make me happy. I've started doing that. I've felt self conscious about my body all my life...so I am working to change that.

 While I am still healing, I have learned a lot. I have learned a lot about me. I have learned a lot about others. I am gaining me back. My friend Tiffany the other day was describing me to her mother, and said, "She is the most self-assured (in a good way) lady I know." I was shocked. She was talking about me? The hurtful words and phrases that were thrown at me and permanently etched in my memory during this breakup are starting to lose their edge. I have found that I am worth it. Not only to myself, but to others. I am an amazing, giving, talented, beautiful woman. Yes, I have my moments. But to say that is wrong is completely ludicrous. Everyone has their moments; we are human.

However, it is not easy. While I am gaining back myself, I still lose it sometimes. I had a meltdown this week. I felt like God hates me...and purposely tries to hurt me rather than help me. Why does he give everything to some people who may not deserve it (yes, I know I don't make that call!), yet purposely put up endless hurdles in front of what I want? I have felt like this a lot going through this breakup. Let's be honest, I have felt that was throughout my twenties. Although I typically get these thoughts when things aren't going my way...and don't necessarily think about it when things are going well, it still is tough. I again am reminded of my patience. I need patience. Well, and God to hurry up and answer my prayers :)

Whew, long one today! But, here's to not giving up and giving it my all. Making the most of every workout and adding umph to get me to where I need to be!

It's getting good. Don't go anywhere.

LD