How does anyone appreciate this bulking business...

This world of fitness and prep literally is a mind-fuck every. single. day.

Yesterday I woke up feeling pretty good, I knew I wasn't in lean prep mode...but I felt good. All day I felt good.

THEN I WENT BIKINI SHOPPING.

Why did I do that?! Seriously. To make matters worse...I have put pressure on myself to be in a bikini, on my birthday, next week...in front of some SEXY ASS DUDES...in the middle of a BULK. 

Needless to say, some days it is a struggle more than others. I remember when I was prepping for the show in April, I was so frustrated by the scale, but I was SOOOOO lean. I thought I was huge. Now, I wish I was there again. 

Why do we do that as women? 

We think we are so fat and then look back on our younger years, and wish we were back there.

Well, I am working on loving this whole process. It is hard. Often times I see my worth in my exterior and not actually who I am and what I have to offer.  Iam worried that an extra five pounds means so much more to someone that my faith, values, contributions and who I am. And maybe I am right, but at the same time...does that really matter?

I am working on me. I have realized I am the one putting pressure on myself to look a certain way. While it is something I think that plays tricks on my mind...I know that other people envy me and where I am at. I need to be focusing on myself. Finding my beauty...truly. 

I have fought half the battle. There are days I KNOW I am badass. That I am stronger, fitter, more focused and beautiful than ever. Other days, I still need to believe. I am a work in progress.

I got this.

LD

So I was thinking...

I have noticed lately that we are so quick to blame something for our stalls in weightloss or progress--instead of understanding that this is a process and it takes time. What I have learned is that the scale is an evil bitch, progress pictures are key and IT TAKES TIME. Yes, there are going to be days that you gain weight from water retention, heavy lifting the day before, the weather, sodium intake, traveling, refeeds...etc. But at the end of the day, it is a journey. There are going to be days you jack up your macros and eat more than you should...and gain 5 lbs on the scale the next day. YOU DID NOT EAT ENOUGH TO GAIN 5 LBS...trust me. That is 17,500 calories over your maintenance. I freak out too, but you have to have patience. It evens out, your body is just shocked. You are not going to lose your weight and become perfect overnight. There are so many so quick to judge and want to quit because not seeing amazing results like some have. Have patience ladies...it will come.

That being said, we also do have to realize that sometimes we aren't as honest with our eating habits as we should. Loose tracking yields loose results. Be the best you can be. Get there steadily and enjoy the journey. There is no use getting frustrated constantly...life is too short  You all are beautiful!

Today I think I needed a reminder, along with all my IIFYM girls and friends. This is the only life we live, why not enjoy it? You know you're working hard, important people take notice...it'll be okay if it takes you a little bit longer than others. Don't compare yourself to others. It'll break your heart sometimes. You are SO beautiful. Don't forget that. Don't let your size, scale, view of beauty and diet define your beauty. There are too many people that'll be tough on you and rude--you don't need to add to it. 

Well...

Well apparently I didn't post this. Imagine this was from 6/18...


I am stressed out. Plain and simple. Week after week on these new macros and I feel like I am not making progress. I keep sending my updates to my coach and cringe every time I press the send button. Last week I even went as far as to get my blood tested to see what was wrong with me...welllllll.....turns out...I am pregnant.

JUST KIDDING.

I am normal, nothing is wrong.

Wahhhhh Wahhhh...

So why is it so damn hard for me to lose weight and make progress?

After talking with my coach, he thinks that I have far less muscle than we thought and that is the reason for the slow progress. He explained that the way he had the workout and diet set up, it is based on greater muscle tone...so in turn, I am not burning enough based on my structure for the plan I am on. So, after that conversation, we decided it would be best to build my muscle up and push back my show until I was perfectly ready to step on stage. Couple things went through my mind:

1. This sucks. I have been trying so hard to get to this goal and I feel like I am back at square one. 
2. Phewwww.....I am tired of dieting and would like to just focus on making gains
3. Makes sense...I mean why the hell are my fitness idols eating like 5k calories and maintaining their physique. Ummmm because they're shredded! Duh. More muscle = More calories lost
4. Will I ever get there?!