How does anyone appreciate this bulking business...

This world of fitness and prep literally is a mind-fuck every. single. day.

Yesterday I woke up feeling pretty good, I knew I wasn't in lean prep mode...but I felt good. All day I felt good.

THEN I WENT BIKINI SHOPPING.

Why did I do that?! Seriously. To make matters worse...I have put pressure on myself to be in a bikini, on my birthday, next week...in front of some SEXY ASS DUDES...in the middle of a BULK. 

Needless to say, some days it is a struggle more than others. I remember when I was prepping for the show in April, I was so frustrated by the scale, but I was SOOOOO lean. I thought I was huge. Now, I wish I was there again. 

Why do we do that as women? 

We think we are so fat and then look back on our younger years, and wish we were back there.

Well, I am working on loving this whole process. It is hard. Often times I see my worth in my exterior and not actually who I am and what I have to offer.  Iam worried that an extra five pounds means so much more to someone that my faith, values, contributions and who I am. And maybe I am right, but at the same time...does that really matter?

I am working on me. I have realized I am the one putting pressure on myself to look a certain way. While it is something I think that plays tricks on my mind...I know that other people envy me and where I am at. I need to be focusing on myself. Finding my beauty...truly. 

I have fought half the battle. There are days I KNOW I am badass. That I am stronger, fitter, more focused and beautiful than ever. Other days, I still need to believe. I am a work in progress.

I got this.

LD