New Epiphany this morning...

I have changed. 

A LOT.

I noticed this morning just how much I have changed as I stepped off the scale this morning. This morning I got on the scale and was 134.8 pounds. A far cry from my 120 at my prep low back in March. Holy SHIT, I gained 15 pounds. When I started training with Robb I was 129. I gained more back then when I started. I know that I have been gaining weight consistently since cutting for my bikini show and started training with Lucas. Most recently I have been more relaxed on my diet and living life (which, I understand, can also be done without gaining weight).

And when I say change, I mean in a good way. YES, I am not where I want to be. I know that these 15 pounds are bothering me. I can feel them in my clothes, confidence and everyday workouts. HOWEVER, the old me...before I started this journey...would have had a terrrrrrible day after getting off the scale. I would feel the extra weight in my clothes all day, and know that I was defined by how I looked and felt.

That isn't me anymore. 

I know that I can live this lifestyle and be fit. It has been my choice to become more relaxed in my fitness and diet...and there are consequences of that. Whereas before I would cry and punish myself for letting myself get this way, I know now I will be able to accomplish ANY fitness goal I put in front of me. 

Am I happy with where I am at with my weight? NO. Have I had a great couple of months? Absolutely. My life has been absolutely amazing since I made this decision to change. I have had the opportunity to find myself and make myself proud. I went from someone who had no confidence, to someone that knows she is worth it. I am more focused on seeing my value rather than finding my value in what others think of me. Do I still have struggles? Of course. I am not perfect. There are days I am sad, depressed, overwhelmed, and feel I am up against a wall. But the great thing is, those are only days. It isn't my life. I know I can do this. I just have to put my mind to it.

So...today marks day 1 (well day 3) of getting back to my goals. I have set my macros up and am ready to kill it and be the best version of me. Will it be hard?

FUCK YEAH. 

IT'LL BE REAL HARD.

But I have done it before and I can do it again. 

I'm out.

<drops the mic>

LD